When I am supposed to sleep at night…

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I hate not being able to sleep at night. Part of depression (at least for me) is that I think about everything and everyone. I’ve had nights where I laid there wide awake, thinking about dinner plans for the next few weeks. Really? Yes really, that’s how messed up my brain is sometimes. πŸ˜‰ My husband is snoring next to me and I worry about whether or not I should make pork chops or potato salad the next day. The good thing is though I can laugh about myself and how silly it is to even have such thoughts in the middle of the night, but at the same time there is just nothing I can do about it. It happens and I worry about many other things too.

having anxiety

Last night was one of those nights where I just thought about so many different things. My mind just didn’t shut up no matter how hard I tried to focus on wanting to sleep. Eventually I gave up and let my mind wander and I started thinking about who I was and why I am the way I am.

I was a very outgoing and happy child and, according to my parents, invited strangers to dinner or other things without even worrying about it. I also loved making people laugh and cheering them up. I always have had a very dry/ sarcastic sense of humor and that definitely helped me reaching people in one way or another. It wasn’t until I was a teenager that I started to change a bit and became more and more shy and reserved around others and even though my mom tried to tell me that I wasn’t like that, I was going that way. Only around close friends and family was I the old crazy outgoing self. That went on for many years. I got older and still believed I was a shy wallflower that had no real potential to be successful at anything.

That went on until I was young adult. Things started to change a little bit when I became part of a musical group that traveled Germany. I was supposed to be just a background singer (and I was grateful I was given that opportunity), but my uncle wanted me to get out of my shell more and he wanted me to sing with him “Master of the House” from Les Miserables. When I tried out for that part I knew I had to give it my all or I would not make it and so I did. I surprised a lot of people that day and every time we did a show, and boy did that feel good. πŸ™‚ That was a big step in bringing my low-self-esteem a little up again. I loved the time I spend with that group “Wings of Music” because we were normal people singing songs from different musicals, making our own costumes and stage stuff, and doing what we loved the most. πŸ˜€

Here is a link to my performance as Madam Thernardier. It is in German and since the language in the original song is a bit extreme, we changed that too, but I think you get the point. The recording is pretty bad since I had to record it from an already bad recording, but I think it is good enough.Β  Master of the House

When I was 22 almost 23 I decided to serve a mission for my church and I was send to Scotland. That was another wonderful experience for me and I changed from a pretty quiet shy person to a very sassy, outgoing sarcastic young woman. It was funny because whenever I told people at the end of mission how I was when I first started out, they wouldn’t believe me. πŸ˜‰

When I discovered that I was struggling with depression years later, I realized that I had to do more than just taking medication, but I had to do something that I wanted to do, something that would push me, something that I loved. Ever since I was a teenager, I had two really big passions. Writing and acting. I’ve written stories since my teenage years since that was a way for me to cope with reality and escape reality for a bit. It’s also my favorite way of expressing myself. But I wanted to try out acting more seriously and so I took acting classes and was able to do a few fun short films. I loved being part of that. It was a time in which I was able to express myself and be who I really am. The hard part is that it is so super hard to break into the business especially when you are not a skinny barbie doll, don’t know anyone in the business and just don’t have the money or time to focus on it nonstop, but I loved everything I did. I kind of step away from it now simply because I am focusing on my education and family, but if I was ever offered another shot I would take it in a heartbeat. πŸ™‚ Here is the link to a demo reel someone created for me with some of the things I did. I love the memories I have with this. My cousin was the one providing the music for the video. πŸ™‚ Demo Reel

A very interesting project was done near the end of my acting time. A young director contacted me and said he wanted to do a shortfilm about depression and suicide, and I would have to do it in German and the film would have English subtitles. I knew what depression felt like, even though I never thought about suicide, but I understood what he wanted to do with this film and that raising awareness means sometimes you have to really address a subject that isn’t much talked about. I shared the link with many of my friends after we made the film and received a lot of good feedback, but also people wondering if that was me portraying myself. As much as that is the greatest compliment you can give an actor (it seems so real they are worried about you), I really was just playing a role and trying to make it come to life as much as possible. If you watch it, know that it doesn’t have a happy end, but is there for awareness. Can you see me?

These past few years I have focused on writing: books, Facebook, my blog and I will continue to do so. I wish I had a bigger audience because my dream is to really reach out to people, help them in times of trial and let them know that they are never alone no matter how hard things might be. I still enjoy making people laugh and smile and all I want is to feel that I made a difference in someone’s life. Sometimes I get so discouraged because I feel like nothing I do is noticed, but I know it is by some, and as long as I am reaching a handful of people who feel comforted, inspired and loved by what I write, I know it isn’t in vain. When I wrote my guardian angel trilogy, I was disappointed so many times because no matter how many agencies and publishers I contacted, nobody wanted to give me a shot. In the end I self-published the first book and I am working on part two. Since the editing is done by my husband and friends, it won’t be perfect, but to me it is more important to get the stories out there because I know I was inspired to write what I wrote. Maybe, just maybe it will make a difference for one person. πŸ™‚ Self-publishing “Heavenly Bodyguards -Trainee in action” truly was a huge step for me and feels like such a wonderful accomplishment. I can’t wait to publish part two.

Wow, if that is not a long post I don’t know what is. Can you now understand how much craziness is going through my mind at night when I am supposed to be sleeping? πŸ˜‰ I guess writing is kind of like therapy for me because I can let it all out and there is always at least one person who knows exactly how it feels the way I describe it on my blog. Sometimes we need to go back to our past to understand why we do certain things and what makes us the way we are.

now is the time

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