the many faces of depression…

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faking a smile

Depression isn’t simply feeling sad. At least for me, many different emotions are part of it. It is seriously a big roller coaster ride and very difficult to deal with. I go from sadness, to anger, to feeling lonely, to feeling completely empty. Going through so many different emotions in such a short time is the reason why I sometimes just can’t be around people. Not only do I want to be left alone and not asked how I am feeling (I would have to lie and say I am fine or I would have to tell you the truth and not everyone is capable of dealing with the truth because the last thing I need to hear that moment is “keep your chin up”), but I also get angry and irritated at everything and everyone and don’t want to snap at someone who has no idea what is going on.

Keeping your emotions in control when dealing with depression is not easy. I try to be as calm and easy going as possible, but tiny simple things can set you off and because of that it is easy to hurt those around you even though you didn’t mean to do that. It might sound like a lame excuse, it is however reality.

It is so hard not to get discouraged, or worse, not to give up. I try to be a good person, I try to follow Jesus Christ and be a good Christian. Shouldn’t we get blessed when trying our best? I love this quote. Someone shared that today and it is exactly right:

expecting a trouble-free life

I know we have to go through trials because we learn and grow. We wouldn’t appreciate good times if we didn’t have to face struggle and tribulations. It is still hard though. I try to be a good mom and wife and yet I feel like nothing is ever enough and I am not good enough either because I am not there for my family the same way other moms are. It is so hard not to compare myself to other mom’s and wives who seem to be able to handle everything. At the same time, I know that is Satan trying to put me even more down. Someone said to me once: “Don’t compare your weakness and struggle to someone else’s highlights.”

I am not sure why I have to struggle with this. I don’t know why I feel the need to share about it, but not only does writing about it makes me feel better, I am hoping it helps someone else who also struggles with depression and who is maybe not as outspoken about it. We all can help. People with depression don’t need lectures or special advice. All we need to know is that there is someone out there who cares. Someone who loves us and really means it when he/ she says it. Knowing how lonely life with depression can be, I try to reach out to people every so often. I am not a phone-call person, but I send out text messages, e-mails, write on someone’s Facebook wall… sometimes I don’t even know why I was thinking about them at that moment, but I just felt I should contact them to let them know I was thinking of them. Reaching out doesn’t need to be big, but should come from the heart. It feels good when you reached out to someone and they respond letting you know that’s exactly what they needed right then. Many of the Facebook posts I post are a way of me trying to reach out and hopefully touching someone’s heart with that post and or making them laugh (depending on what I posted).

People reached out to me before too and it truly feels amazing when you are so hopeless and alone, you really can’t see the end of the tunnel. You start doubting the love of your friends and your family members and start to question friendships. Deep inside I know those things aren’t true, but I can’t help the thoughts of depression and it is so hard to get rid of them again. Caring people mean the world to me and can make such a difference. A few months ago one of my friends just dropped of a yummy salad and a sweet card on my doorstep because she missed me at a church function and wanted to do something for me. Such a simple act, but it meant the world to me that night. I am not sharing this because I expect people to drop off meals or gifts now 😉 ,definitely not, I am sharing this to let you know that no matter how you reach out to others it will be appreciated.

If we could

If anything, depression is helping me understand more what other people go through. I still have long ways to go because I am definitely not perfect, but I will continue to do my part, fight this illness as much as I can and will try to lift myself and others up as much as I can. I have really bad days when I truly don’t want to talk to anyone and just hide from the world and want to be left alone, but usually after a really bad day, things look up again and I can move forward. Please be patient with me (and everyone who is caught in a depression), we are trying. Just don’t give up on us because whenever we are in such a dark place, having others give up on you might be the last straw for us to give up on ourselves. Outpouring love, understanding and kindness go a long way. It is the little sweet gestures that really mean the world to us. 🙂

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