Lately staying positive has not been easy. Depression is really hitting hard right now, I am still working through my anxiety and I am trying to find a balance for my life right now. The worst part right now is though that I have people in my life who really disappointed me. I finally admitted that I can’t do it all and that my anxiety is a sign that I need to slow down and take a breather. It seems that there are people in my life that don’t understand what I am going through and they don’t really listen either when I try to tell them about it. They hear the words (or read the words) but are missing the whole point. I am tired of trying to please people because no matter what you do and say, it will never be good enough for some. No matter how much you push yourself, it will never be good enough for some. I am tired of trying to keep friendships alive. I am tired of having to put on a face and forcing myself to do things that I just can’t handle right now. I am tired of being so tired.
Every single day is different. Some days I am happy to be alive, I enjoy the things around me and I feel like things are well. Lately I have felt the opposite. I have pushed myself so much that not only have I experienced anxiety attacks, but I am going around, not loving life at all. I feel like a puppet just doing what is expected of me, just pretending I am hanging in there, just working through a day at a time. Is that what life is supposed to be?
My heart is sad and I feel lonely and misunderstood. I am grateful for my parents and husband though because they support me and are there for me. Sometimes I am so grateful that my mom has depression too because no matter what I tell her, she always 100% understands. We might have different depression types, but we still know what the other one is going through. I love my mom and I think that makes us even closer.
One thing that always keeps me going is my faith in Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father. I know they love me no matter what and that I can make it no matter how much the people around me disappoint and maybe even hurt me. They will always understand me too and will always be by my side. One of my favorite poems ever is “Footprints in the sand”. It touches my heart whenever I read it. I know that’s exactly how it is. So yes life is still beautiful because I have that knowledge and nobody can take that away from me. Disappointments, depression, anxiety and other things will come and go, but my faith will stay with me as long as I want it and nurture it. I am slowly learning that I don’t need the approval of others to live my life a certain way. I know what is right for me and no lecture, advice and pressure can change that. I love my Heavenly Father and I love my Savior Jesus Christ. Without them we are nothing, but with them we are everything.