Monthly Archives: September 2015

When the heart hurts…

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tears are the words

Lately staying positive has not been easy. Depression is really hitting hard right now, I am still working through my anxiety and I am trying to find a balance for my life right now. The worst part right now is though that I have people in my life who really disappointed me. I finally admitted that I can’t do it all and that my anxiety is a sign that I need to slow down and take a breather. It seems that there are people in my life that don’t understand what I am going through and they don’t really listen either when I try to tell them about it. They hear the words (or read the words) but are missing the whole point. I am tired of trying to please people because no matter what you do and say, it will never be good enough for some. No matter how much you push yourself, it will never be good enough for some. I am tired of trying to keep friendships alive. I am tired of having to put on a face and forcing myself to do things that I just can’t handle right now. I am tired of being so tired.

Every single day is different. Some days I am happy to be alive, I enjoy the things around me and I feel like things are well. Lately I have felt the opposite. I have pushed myself so much that not only have I experienced anxiety attacks, but I am going around, not loving life at all. I feel like a puppet just doing what is expected of me, just pretending I am hanging in there, just working through a day at a time. Is that what life is supposed to be?

 are you okay

My heart is sad and I feel lonely and misunderstood. I am grateful for my parents and husband though because they support me and are there for me. Sometimes I am so grateful that my mom has depression too because no matter what I tell her, she always 100% understands. We might have different depression types, but we still know what the other one is going through. I love my mom and I think that makes us even closer.

One thing that always keeps me going is my faith in Jesus Christ and my Heavenly Father. I know they love me no matter what and that I can make it no matter how much the people around me disappoint and maybe even hurt me. They will always understand me too and will always be by my side. One of my favorite poems ever is “Footprints in the sand”. It touches my heart whenever I read it. I know that’s exactly how it is. So yes life is still beautiful because I have that knowledge and nobody can take that away from me. Disappointments, depression, anxiety and other things will come and go, but my faith will stay with me as long as I want it and nurture it. I am slowly learning that I don’t need the approval of others to live my life a certain way. I know what is right for me and no lecture, advice and pressure can change that. I love my Heavenly Father and I love my Savior Jesus Christ. Without them we are nothing, but with them we are everything.

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reaching limits…

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I had to learn the hard way that anxiety and especially anxiety attacks are not fun. For over a week now I’ve had several anxiety attacks and it doesn’t seem it will be over soon. It was so bad last week that I thought I would have to go to the ER and eventually saw my doctor because the pressure I felt on the inside was too much. I still feel like my heart is about to explode and it is a horrible feeling. Fortunately my doctor didn’t find anything wrong with me (blood pressure was fine, heartbeat was okay), but she is sending me to a cardiologist just in case. One of the things she told me though was that I was holding everything in, all the stress, bad feelings, emotions and that’s why it is so bad. She is right. I know that is the biggest problem. I felt like crying all week (and I am not really an emotional person), but I want to be strong for my family. I already scared my kids half to death, by letting them know about my anxiety and how badly I felt at times, that one of my sons broke down crying at one point saying: “I don’t want you to die.” I managed to calm them down again, but that made me hold it in even more because I don’t want to scare or upset my children.

It’s hard when you realize you’ve reached your limit and anything that is added to your plate will put you over the edge. Just like depression is hard to understand by those who have not experienced it themselves, so is anxiety or anything for that matter. Not only am I trying to deal with a lot of crazy stress right now, I also notice how some people around me don’t seem to see that I really am about to lose my mind and that I can not do anything else right now without drowning completely. It is hard to deal with family and friends, who, want understanding and compassion during their trials, but they fail to provide that for others. It is so hard when you try to make it through everyday life and yet more demands are directed at you and when you let people know that it’s too much, they become angry, offended and upset. It disappoints me a great deal because I really have nothing left to give right now and will not push myself over the edge because I actually do have to function for my family.

we expect

One thing I am very grateful for at this time is my blog. It is like therapy for me to write it all down. My brain is constantly working, and writing it all down and putting my feelings into words, really makes a big difference. It helps relax me a little and puts my mind at ease again. The way I see it, you can only talk to family and friends so much before a problem becomes annoying to them and they will either tell you that they are not interested in hearing it anymore or they will start to avoid you. Paper, or a computer, don’t care how often you write down the same thing and it is up to each individual whether or not they want to read what you wrote, but this way I can get it off my chest, work through it and move on.

Dealing with people can be exhausting and very hurtful. I’ve gotten hurt so many times over the years because I thought I had found true friends, yet at one point I had to realize that wasn’t the case. I’ve always been someone who is usually easy going and willing to work on relationships, but sadly not everyone is that way and sometimes it feels like people are looking for reasons to hurt you and get rid of you. When your trust is broken, you start to question other friends too and wonder if they mean what they say or do, or if they are just as fake as those who just “dumped” you. (And that isn’t fair on those who really mean, but naturally it happens because if one person can hurt you so can another.) So many times have I promised myself that I am just not going to bother anymore because I am sick of all this and will keep to myself from now on. My problem is though that I give in so easily because I need friends by my side and just as I am always looking for true friends, others are as well. No matter how hurt or disappointed I get, I know in my heart I will get over it at one point and try again. Life is all about falling down, getting up and giving it another try.

surround yourself

I am aware that people will do things I don’t like. I know that I do that too. One good thing about going through really difficult situations is that I am learning myself to be more compassionate and understanding. I understand much better now when a person tells me they can’t do certain things because they have so much going on, I know there is a good possibility that they are not just making up an excuse but really can’t handle it. I guess we do learn from our own bad and good experience after all. Every single trial we face is there for us to grow and learn. We might not like it while going through it, but looking back I pretty much always notice why it was necessary. Some people will never understand and that is okay too. Another thing that helps me see the good in tough times is the realization that not only do I know now how others feel in situations like that, I can also learn to forgive those who aren’t even trying to understand because they really don’t get it.

we can never fully

I am also learning to see my limits and putting my foot down even though it might cause struggle with others who don’t understand because I need to be true to myself. I’ve reached my limits and I don’t owe anyone an explanation or apology. We can only do our best and if some think you are not, well that’s their problem. I believe that Heavenly Father gives us difficulties, weaknesses and even illnesses so we learn to be ourselves and maybe even say “NO” every so once in a while.

The tears behind that smile…

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tears are

Today was one of those days. A day in which I had to be around others, tried to smile and be as cheerful as possible but my inside was screaming with loneliness, darkness and sadness. I hate days like that because when people ask you how you are, you either have to lie and say you are fine or you have to say how you really feel and that might make matters worse. It was a day of trying to hide the tears and swallowing the sadness because I don’t want to cry in front of people. 😦 It’s a day where you look okay on the outside but fight a horrible inner battle. Anything and everything can cause your tears to break through and your heart hurts so much you can hardly bear it.

Depression really is a battle within yourself and oftentimes all you can do is wait it out. One of the reasons why I love writing is it helps me get it off my chest and make it through another round of feeling worthless and alone. The hardest part is that even though people might tell me how much they love me, or make me a very nice compliment, I do hear the words, but those words just don’t reach my heart. I feel like I am stuck within myself and can’t get out.

its a bit

I know things will get better again, but feeling so unhappy and hopeless makes it hard to look to the horizon. I want to feel happy, I want to feel loved, I don’t want to feel alone and yet there is nothing I can do right now. I am trapped. Part of me is screaming let out the tears, let it all out and you will feel better but the other part tells me I need to be strong for my family. I can’t show what I truly feel.

It’s moments like these that make me truly grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ. If nobody else understands what I am feeling and going through, He does. If nobody else might love me and isn’t there for me, He is. If nobody else understands the aching pain and the tears behind a smile, He does. I love Him with all my heart and I know I can always and totally rely on Him. He is there for us during our darkest hours and He will always be by our side as long as we want Him there.

to any who

We will NEVER FORGET…

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I wasn’t always an American Citizen. In fact it wasn’t until almost 1 year ago when I became a citizen of this beautiful and special country. It took me a while to get used to the patriotism they have here because thanks to German History, patriotism in Germany didn’t exist much anymore. So coming here, and seeing how “American’s” felt about their country was something that was not easy for me to digest at first. I didn’t feel anything when I saw the American flag, I didn’t feel anything special when people got patriotic on holidays or sang the national anthem. Over the past few years though it changed big time. Something inside of me happened and I not only fell in love with the United States of America, but I started to love the history, the patriotism and especially the American Flag and what it stands for. I couldn’t believe what was happening to me, but in a very short time I turned into a super patriotic person and I now get very defensive and angry when people here (or outside the US) are disrespectful to the flag and to this country. I can feel in my heart that God Himself prepared this country and that it is special and created for a purpose.

and can the liberties

Every year when I remember 9/11, and the attacks that happened that day, I feel like I am getting more and more emotionally attached to this country. Maybe this year is extreme because I wasn’t a citizen the years before, but something is very different today. Today I shared with my children what happened 14 years ago and I also showed them videos of what happened September 11th 2001. Talking about it and watching the event again, makes me choke up big time and I feel overwhelmed with emotions, it is totally crazy. My boys kept asking me: Why would anyone do that? Why would the pilots kill themselves and not jump out to save themselves? It is hard to explain to children how evil people can be and what Satan can and will do with those who willingly follow him. It is hard to explain how a few people can bring so much horror, heartache and pain into the world and not even care what will happen to them. It is something that we will probably not fully understand until we pass on to the next life.

Things are going to get worse as time goes by because evil is real and will not stop for anyone or anything, but we know that as long God is on our side (and we are on His) we can conquer anything we want to. In these troubled times I think about the things I read in the scriptures, the things I learn in church and even the things I read in books that have nothing to do with religion. J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter comes to mind. And one of my all-time favorite quote is from Dumbledore: “Dark times lie ahead of us and there will be a time when we must choose between what is easy and what is right.” This is not just a quote for a fictional world, but for our world today and for times to come. We will have to choose based on what is easy and what is right and we need to make a decision now what we want to do.

One thing is certain though, God loves us and He loves us more than we can ever imagine. I know without a doubt that He was with those people who lost their lives 14 years ago. He was with everyone who lost a loved one that day and He is with us always. No matter how abandoned and lonely we feel, He is by our side and it is because of Him that I know good will win in the end. Trials and struggle will still be ahead of us, but the final outcome is already declared. That’s what gives me comfort and peace because I know that whatever happens, God is there for us and Satan will never win.

the future of this world

Dividing people, dividing a country…

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the ones who scream

When I look around and see what is happening in our country, what is happening around the world, I feel sad. So much hate, division and Intolerance. We have leaders who instead of bringing us together actually divide us more by taking sides (even though they try to hide it). Loud minorities cause chaos, anger, riots and even murder and they are being defended by others as well as our leaders. It seems that the world has turned upside down. Criminals are being protected and law enforcement is being attacked.

I think we all know that evil exists and we all know that racism is real, but accusing everyone of racism simply because there are a few who are like that is wrong. Accusing the whole police force of racism, hatred and such is also wrong. Every family/ group/ community has some bad apples, but that doesn’t mean the rest of them are the same way. I am so sick of hearing people label others.

not all

Racism isn’t a color thing. Anyone can be a racist. Using the race card is way out of control and it makes me angry when people use such a lame excuse when they don’t get what they want, or someone disagrees with them. People who do that are just as arrogant and prideful as the ones they’re accusing of being racist. They are being a hypocrite! I mean how do you know that the other person is really a racist? By accusing someone else of hating you for your skin color simply because they have a different opinion and view on things, you are doing the exact same thing you accuse them of doing. Why is it so hard to accept a person like who he/she is even though we don’t agree on everything?

There isn’t just one group who matters and is important. We are all created by the same God and we all matter. It is time that we remember who we are and that we should stand up and protect those who can’t defend themselves but we shouldn’t tolerate behavior that is wrong and lawless. We need to be responsible again for our own actions and stop blaming everyone around us for everything that is going wrong. No matter what situation we are in, there is always something we can do, and speaking up is definitely part of it as long as it is done the right way.

the victim mindset

I have friends from all kinds of different backgrounds, religions, political views and countries. I am grateful that I know so many different people and yes there are many times when we don’t agree on things. We don’t have to agree on everything to be kind and be a friend. I’ve had my fair share of discussions and even arguments, but no matter how I want to change someone’s elses point of view sometimes, I have to respect that they have the same right I do. I have been in situations when I clearly wondered why I was friends with that person in the first place and other times I did have to step away from a “friend” because they tried to force their opinion on me in such an aggressive way that I had to make the boundaries very clear. But with most people I can disagree and then we just focus on the things we agree on. Whenever I get to a point of not being sure whether or not this friendship works, I try to remember the reason why we became friends to begin with. I try to remember the things we agree on and I try to remember that despite some hardcore disagreements we love one another for many other reasons. It is like being married to someone. We will not always agree with our spouse either, because we come from different backgrounds, families and even cultures, but we can find a common ground. Marriage needs work every single day and it has to come from both partners. Other relationships function the same way. We can’t just become friends and then hope things will work out somehow. If we have differences we can either try to work it out or we can agree to disagree. We will never be able to change someone else’s opinion unless that person wants to change it himself. If we try to force someone to agree with us, it will never end well. That doesn’t mean, however, that we can’t discuss it. Discussions should be done in a respectful way though and as I said both should be willing to agree to disagree when it is clear that we are thinking too differently on a certain topic. I love my friends and family members. I might not always like what they do and say, but I love them. I will always try to get along with people and respect and accept them for who they are as long as they do the same in return. Disagreeing on issues, lifestyles and opinions does not equal hate or racism. It just means we don’t see eye to eye on certain things and that’s okay. As Rick Warren put it: …”You don’t have to compromise convictions to be compassionate.”