Today was one of those days. A day in which I had to be around others, tried to smile and be as cheerful as possible but my inside was screaming with loneliness, darkness and sadness. I hate days like that because when people ask you how you are, you either have to lie and say you are fine or you have to say how you really feel and that might make matters worse. It was a day of trying to hide the tears and swallowing the sadness because I don’t want to cry in front of people. 😦 It’s a day where you look okay on the outside but fight a horrible inner battle. Anything and everything can cause your tears to break through and your heart hurts so much you can hardly bear it.
Depression really is a battle within yourself and oftentimes all you can do is wait it out. One of the reasons why I love writing is it helps me get it off my chest and make it through another round of feeling worthless and alone. The hardest part is that even though people might tell me how much they love me, or make me a very nice compliment, I do hear the words, but those words just don’t reach my heart. I feel like I am stuck within myself and can’t get out.
I know things will get better again, but feeling so unhappy and hopeless makes it hard to look to the horizon. I want to feel happy, I want to feel loved, I don’t want to feel alone and yet there is nothing I can do right now. I am trapped. Part of me is screaming let out the tears, let it all out and you will feel better but the other part tells me I need to be strong for my family. I can’t show what I truly feel.
It’s moments like these that make me truly grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ. If nobody else understands what I am feeling and going through, He does. If nobody else might love me and isn’t there for me, He is. If nobody else understands the aching pain and the tears behind a smile, He does. I love Him with all my heart and I know I can always and totally rely on Him. He is there for us during our darkest hours and He will always be by our side as long as we want Him there.