Going through a tough time is never easy, but it is bearable when you know there is an end to it, when you know these struggles will be over soon. When I first started with such intense anxiety, I thought this won’t last too long, a few days perhaps, like it has in the past, but that’s it. It’s been three weeks now and even though I get little breaks now and then, (now that my medication is kicking in) I still have horrible feelings of stress and being overwhelmed just by thinking of having to tackle another week very soon. It’s so hard to describe how that feeling really is. It seriously sucks all the happiness and energy out of me, and all I do right now is functioning somehow.
I don’t like feeling this unhappy and hopeless. I don’t like how on top of the anxiety my depression is also adding fuel to the trial I am going through. I know it is important to have trials because it helps us grow and it also helps us draw closer to our Heavenly Father, but I just want to be happy again. I have said in several of my other blog posts that the good thing about this is that I do appreciate good times so much more and I look forward to it because being stuck like this is just not fun. Mental illness is not easy to deal with because no matter how much those who care about you want to help you, they can’t. This is something I have to go through alone.
I know I am not alone though. Heavenly Father is by my side and Him and Jesus Christ know exactly how I am feeling and how I am struggling. Just thinking about it makes me emotional because deep inside I can suddenly feel the love they have for me. I am grateful to have this outlet by writing about it. During this trial I’ve also noticed that there aren’t many who truly care, who want to know how you are doing and a truly interested in what you are going through. I’ve had to learn who are not true friends, which makes me not want to share with anyone because I don’t want to bother anybody. Maybe all of that is a good thing though because it makes me have to rely on the Lord. I love Him and I know He loves me. I know I am a daughter of God and no matter what, He will always be there for me. As much as other people can disappoint me, God will never leave us and will be there when we need Him the most. I am grateful though for my family and few friends who do care and reach out to me, maybe give me a listening ear and let me vent. It truly is all they can do right now.
And now I will put on my brave face again, pretend all is well and post pictures and quotes on Facebook that don’t really tell how incredible sad I really am feeling. The show must go on, right? But no matter how hopeless I might feel, I will continue to find my balance again, to find my happy self again. It won’t be gone forever.