It always amazes me that no matter how old I get, the power my mom has will never change. She is the first one I will call whenever I am struggling with depression because she understands. When I was younger and would come home from school, and later work, I always checked for my mom first to see if she was home. I just needed to know that she was there in case I needed someone to talk to because nobody listened the way she did. She just always knew what to say and how to reply.
Now that I am a mom myself and live my own life, I still need my mom. I have times when I want to talk to her so badly, but I don’t want to call her (or skype with her) because I know the moment I see her or hear her voice, my bravery will fall into pieces and I will lose it. That is something that bugs me and I love it at the same time. I try to stay strong so many times and sometimes when I think I have my emotions under control and nothing will happen, I will call her and yet I break down immediately as I start talking. Weird, isn’t it? I think I am an adult now and it shouldn’t happen to me anymore and yet it does and there is nothing I can do about it either. She knows right away when I am struggling and not myself and just try to hide my emotions from her. She hears it somehow in my voice.
I am very open with my mom and so she knows what I am going through. Whenever I talk to her and do start crying, she encourages me to let it out and yet I always try to fight it. I don’t know why I am like this because I have noticed how crying makes me feel better and yet I fight it every single time. It’s weird how I am perfectly okay with others crying in times of struggle and trial, but when I am going through something and should let it out, I hold it in because for some reason I see it as weakness in myself. I am so weird sometimes. 😉 A lot of the time when I start to calm down again, I jokingly blame her for this emotional outburst and tell her that she makes me cry just by being my mom. She always laughs about that.
Today was one of those days when I called her and immediately ended up in tears. She knows how hard it is for me to let it out and she knows the things I am going through right now. Still, every time I experience this with her and know she already knows beforehand that I am not doing so well, I still am surprised how well she knows me. And yet being a mom myself, I too see when my kids are struggling with something because it does show in their faces and their behavior. There is something about this “momness” that makes us just know. I will always be grateful that I can always go to her no matter what. She is there for me and always will be and it doesn’t matter if I am 5, 36 or 70…