“Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed. While God is at work making those repairs, the rest of us can help by being merciful, nonjudgmental, and kind.” (Jeffrey R. Holland)
Don’t you just hate that feeling inside of you that pushes you to do something you don’t want too but know you should? Something that urges you to do things you are afraid of or you simply just don’t want to do? For the past weeks I have had that feeling and I am finally giving in by sitting down and writing this blog post. This nagging feeling can be really persuasive. 😉
Anyone who has read my last few blog posts knows I am going through a personal crisis right now and it isn’t over yet either. I have been hurt and disappointed by people before, and usually move on super quickly and just go to my own normal self, but this time it is different. I am really shaken this time and I am not quite sure yet how to put myself back together. It is so hard for me right now to believe anyone. I guess when you’ve had a few bad experiences close together, it just destroys so much trust in you, that you can’t just move on and yet in the meantime you doubt everyone around you. Right now I just don’t believe people when they tell me they love me and care about me or that they want to be there for me. Even when they do nice things for me or are actually there for me, I feel like they are doing it for the wrong reasons. I don’t think I ever had such extreme trust issues, but right now that’s just how it is. I doubt people because I know when some people can mistreat you and hurt you others can too.
“You are too hard on everyone.” “It’s your choice, whether you let others hurt you.” “Keep your chin up it will all be better soon…” Just a few of the advice and comments you get from those around us. That kind of response is not helping because I know all that already. To me there is a difference though between someone hurting your feelings, usually happening through a misunderstanding anyways, and someone seriously hurting your trust. That isn’t something that can just be fixed and put back to normal. It’s like how it is with the sharpest weapon this earth has, the tongue. Once you said something, you can’t take it back anymore no matter how much you wish to do that. It’s a done deal! Yes I know it is our choice whether or not we move on and just let it slide, but sometimes it can’t be done that easily. Words can be hurtful for sure, but hurtful actions are worse, at least for me.
One thing I know is not changing is the love Heavenly Father has for me. I feel like this is a big learning experience for me to completely rely on Him. I know I can trust Him no matter what. He will never break our trust and He will always be there for us. He loves us more than words can express. Again I know all that already, and yet I am fighting it. I can’t even describe it, but I feel like that there has to be a way that I don’t have to “bother” Him with my little problems and that people can become truly honest and trustworthy. I know I am kidding myself there and yet I cling to it for some odd weird reason. I know all the answers to my problems in my head, but my heart is not ready yet to accept it. My heart is still trying to heal.
I am aware that we as people will never be perfect. None of us! Yet something inside of me wanted me to believe that true honesty is possible and that finding true friends is a reality. I love my family and my friends and yet I am beginning to wonder what friendship even means. I am not talking about perfect friends because none of us will ever be that way, but there are some that come pretty darn close.
I am not kissing friendship goodbye. No way, as I said I love and need those around me, but I will be more careful. I am not sure how open I will be once my heart has healed, but I appreciate those who have been around me (in one way or another) with understanding and a listening ear. Due to my mental illness it is hard for me to always physically be there for those I care about, but I try to do little things, and yes giving those who need it a listening ear can be huge for someone struggling. Just a few weeks ago I met with someone and that person listened and made it clear she understood. I even got emotional at times because this is really a trying trial for me right now, and even that she understood. It meant the world to me. I also have made new friends through social media and there I found kindred spirits who seem to perfectly understand many things I am going through or struggling with and yet we never met.
Writing all of this down made me realize that I will never stop believing the good in people. I will be more careful of course, but I will continue to be how I am because there are some out there who understand and they love you just the way you are. I am not sharing these thoughts because I am seeking attention or expect those around me to step up and be there for me. No I don’t want that because the way I feel right now would make me think that it was not truly meant but only done because of this blog post. (Reaching out to me should only be done when truly meant, not because you felt obligated to do so.) I am grateful for those who have done that and others probably had no clue that I am going through this right now. I wrote this mostly for myself (and others who are struggling like that right now) so I can continue to heal. I wrote this so those who live close by, and wonder why they haven’t seen me in a while, is because I lost my testimony of Jesus Christ and the gospel. My faith is still strong, but my faith in people is hurting right now. I also wrote this because actually speaking about it is not possible right now as I get emotional every time. I also don’t want to have to lie to you when you ask me how I am doing. Please be patient as I am working through this. Nobody can do this for me, I have to go through this myself and I know I will get there, it just takes time. I also wrote it so we remember that being true to ourselves is the most important thing. I might not share my struggles and such as openly as I did before, but I will still share about my thoughts, trials and life in general with those kindred spirits.
I also know that I need to face my struggle with completely relying on the Lord. I am not there yet and I am worried because that might make me an emotional mess even more, but I can’t avoid it. I know He is there for me and just waiting for me to come to Him. I will when I am ready and I know in the meantime He will wait patiently, still making me feel loved. I might have my doubts about humans, and how honest they really are, but I don’t doubt Him. I know once I am ready to let go and tell Him everything that I am struggling with right now, He will be there every step of the way and will be the reason that makes true healing possible.