Monthly Archives: January 2016

Writing it off my chest…

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Sometimes my mind goes crazy about many different things. Whether it is hurt, because someone treated me unkind and was rude (and abusive in some ways), or because I have to make life decisions and feel stuck and worried. It keeps my brain working in overtime. Usually when stuff really hits me, depression starts acting up again too and it is super easy to fall into a deep hole. That’s why I am so grateful that I can write it down somehow and get if off my chest because afterwards I usually feel better already. Writing is my most successful therapy tool. 🙂

I have been dealing with depression for many years now and yet it still gets me how quickly I can go from being fine and happy to a sadness and hopelessness that drags me so down that I just want to crawl into my bed and cry for the rest of the day. I hate that feeling and wish I could just wish it away, but it is one of the trials I have to deal with.

and sometimes

I love life for the most part and I am very grateful for the many blessings Heavenly Father has given to me and my family, yet when depression hits (without warning whatsoever), it’s hard to stay positive and happy. The weird thing is, that sometimes it’s silly little things that hit it off and that makes it so much worse because you can’t prepare for it.

I’ve struggled with low-self-esteem for a very long time. Sometimes I feel really good about myself and can see my talents and positive things and other times when I am already so hard on myself and feel badly about myself, the feeling gets much worse when someone adds to it by making me feel horrible about little mistakes I did. Like when I write something on social media, and the message I am trying to bring across is very important and uplifting, yet someone decides to only look for grammatical errors and point them out in public too. I know my grammar isn’t 100% correct. I’ve always struggled with grammar stuff (and frankly I care more about the message rather than little mistakes here and there) and on top of that English is my second language. I try to  not let it get to me, but things like that hurt, especially when I am trying so hard to get better and yet some people always seem to be looking for negatives and they will never be pleased because they will find something else every time.

Kindness is so important. I too see errors people make in their life, behavior or writing, but unless the person asks you for help (or your opinion), I find it arrogant and rude to force it on them, especially when it might make people feel horrible about themselves. It’s even worse when done in front of others because that person gets completely humiliated. I certainly hate feeling that way, when someone does it to me, and it hurts me when I see others being targeted. Those who point out mistakes in such a way, might think they are doing the other person a favor, but usually it does the opposite. It makes people self-conscious and they will pull away from those who do stuff like that and might give up whatever they are doing all together because they are always afraid of being humiliated. It’s one thing if you are in a class of some sort and your teacher corrects you for a mistake, but definitely a completely different story, when those around us think they know better and should point it out to those who make mistakes. Most of the time those people have already noticed their mistakes themselves.

I guess today is just one of those days for me and I know these feelings won’t last forever, but the extreme sadness and hopelessness that comes over me when depression hits makes it so difficult to look forward. Feeling like this makes me want to go back into my shell and to shut everyone out. It makes me want to not even risk getting hurt by people, but I know that won’t be the answer because it’s not just people that cause a depression, but oftentimes it just starts by itself.

Hanging in there is all I can do and as time goes on I will feel better about myself again too I am hoping. Life is an up and down and I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and is there for me even during hard times.

do not confuse

Joseph isn’t just about an amazing technicolor dreamcoat…

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As I was studying the story of Jacob, Joseph and his brethren this week, I thought how horrible it must have been for Jacob to lose his son in such a way. Losing him thinking he was dead, yet he was sold to Egypt. I also kept thinking about Joseph’s brethren and how they must have felt to do something so bad. I mean at first they wanted to kill him. Can you imagine how much hatred they must have had for Joseph?

It was definitely not easy for Joseph to go through the trials he did, but he knew that the Lord was with him, that he had a special mission to accomplish, and that things would get better in the end. Blessings follow trials.

Seeing how the prophets in the scriptures had to suffer, shows me that everyone will get tested and everyone has to go through hard times so we can show Heavenly Father our faith and that we don’t give up no matter what. We can show Him that we trust Him and that He knows what is good for us so we can grow and become a better person. He will shape us to become the awesome self we should be.

I have seen the musical Joseph and I love it. I love the music and how it brings the story come to life, but the message of the real story isn’t about a beautiful dreamcoat. It is about so many different things: love, endurance, forgiveness, patience and faithfulness. I keep wondering if Jacob realized what he did to his other sons by openly preferring Joseph. I am wondering if the sons felt hatred for their father as well or just for their brother. Joseph had to have so much patience, endurance and faithfulness and he showed how good he really was when he so willingly forgave his brothers even though they treated him badly. He still loved his brothers even though they harmed him.

I think it is important that we learn the lessons from the scriptures which Heavenly Father wants us to learn. Joseph and many other important men (and women too) in the scriptures, went through their trials and sufferings so we can hold on and not give up when we go through something terrible. Are we willing to forgive those who hurt us? Are we willing to endure to the end? Are we willing to learn patience and keep on working on our faithfulness and love for others?

I have so much I need to work on, and going through trials is not easy, especially when we should remember that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. From experience I can say though, that I have learned something from every struggle I went through. I grew because of it. I know I need to learn to rely more on the Lord and go to him more when facing struggles. I want to make it all by myself, but He is there for us and wants to be there for us. He can only help us when we are willing and open to let Him do that. He loves us so much, and just like Joseph was blessed in the end, blessings are waiting for us too. The Lord never gives up on us, now it is time that we show Him and ourselves that we don’t give up on ourselves.

Learning from the scriptures…

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Another semester has started and this year I am learning from the Old Testament. The Old Testament has given me mixed feelings whenever I read in it. I love many of the stories, but there is also a lot that I don’t understand. I think this semester will help me.

As I am reading the beginning stories, and have come to Enoch and the city of Zion, I have to say I am not only very amazed and impressed with him and the people in his city, I also wonder if that is something that could be accomplished again on this earth before the Savior returns. The world is so wicked and even the very good people struggle to be righteous at all times. It makes me wonder how special Enoch was to the Lord and how important it was to Him to bless Enoch and his people.

The Pearl of Great Price brings some great insights into the whole story and I love how we can find in Moses many of the things that had to happen for Enoch to be so blessed. Enoch had to be completely faithful and do the Lord’s will and Heavenly Father promised Him in return to protect and guide Him. I love the visions that Enoch saw and the conversation he had with the Lord. Heavenly Father truly showed him everything.

I can’t even imagine how hard that must have been for Enoch to see some of the things that would come to pass. To see so much evil and wickedness on the earth, while feeling so much love for his Savior. Sometimes I think I would like to know too what the future will be like and what happened in the past, but I am not sure I could handle that. Just knowing some of the things that were prophesied and seeing it coming to pass more and more is pretty scary. I know we don’t need to fear if we are on the Lord’s side and if we continue to be righteous, but seeing bad things actually happening, makes me worry about my family and loved ones. It is one thing to go through suffering myself, but a lot harder when you see someone struggle you love so much.

Enoch obviously cared deeply about those that were still to come. He cared about his ancestors, and his own children and others who were around him. I love Moses 7:50-51. It says: “And it came to pass that Enoch continued his cry unto the Lord, saying: I ask thee, O Lord, in the name of thine Only Begotten, even Jesus Christ, that thou wilt have mercy upon Noah and his seed, that the earth might never more be covered by the floods.” “And the Lord could not withhold; and he covenanted with Enoch, and sware unto him with an oath, that he would stay the floods; that he would call upon the children of Noah.”

Heavenly Father loves His children and the fact that He was angered enough to have the flood happen shows me how hurt and grieved He was that His children would listen to Satan and not to Him. It shows me that even though we were given free agency, and because Heavenly Father loves us so dearly, there will still be consequences for our decisions. We must use our agency wisely. Every action will lead to a consequence, whether it is good or bad.

But when we are truly faithful and do our part in trying to understand the Lord’s will, He will show us what we need to know. He will guide us and prepare us for the things we have to accomplish. He will have compassion on us and will do what He can do help us through trials, struggles, hard times and heartbreak. He knows how we feel. He is by our side and will be with us as long as we want Him there. He wants us to stand up against Satan, but of course it is up to us whether or not we want that too.

I am so grateful for the gospel in my life and for the many blessings I have. I am grateful to know that I am a daughter of God and that He loves me like nobody else. He is always there for me and even when I feel completely alone, sad and depressed, He is still there. I am grateful for the prophets of the past who teach us so much through their writings. I am also grateful for our present prophets and apostles because they lead us now so we can return and live with Heavenly Father again some time in the future. I think we truly are loved by many and we need to spread that love to those around us so they feel loved too. Nobody is forgotten.