Sometimes my mind goes crazy about many different things. Whether it is hurt, because someone treated me unkind and was rude (and abusive in some ways), or because I have to make life decisions and feel stuck and worried. It keeps my brain working in overtime. Usually when stuff really hits me, depression starts acting up again too and it is super easy to fall into a deep hole. That’s why I am so grateful that I can write it down somehow and get if off my chest because afterwards I usually feel better already. Writing is my most successful therapy tool. 🙂
I have been dealing with depression for many years now and yet it still gets me how quickly I can go from being fine and happy to a sadness and hopelessness that drags me so down that I just want to crawl into my bed and cry for the rest of the day. I hate that feeling and wish I could just wish it away, but it is one of the trials I have to deal with.
I love life for the most part and I am very grateful for the many blessings Heavenly Father has given to me and my family, yet when depression hits (without warning whatsoever), it’s hard to stay positive and happy. The weird thing is, that sometimes it’s silly little things that hit it off and that makes it so much worse because you can’t prepare for it.
I’ve struggled with low-self-esteem for a very long time. Sometimes I feel really good about myself and can see my talents and positive things and other times when I am already so hard on myself and feel badly about myself, the feeling gets much worse when someone adds to it by making me feel horrible about little mistakes I did. Like when I write something on social media, and the message I am trying to bring across is very important and uplifting, yet someone decides to only look for grammatical errors and point them out in public too. I know my grammar isn’t 100% correct. I’ve always struggled with grammar stuff (and frankly I care more about the message rather than little mistakes here and there) and on top of that English is my second language. I try to not let it get to me, but things like that hurt, especially when I am trying so hard to get better and yet some people always seem to be looking for negatives and they will never be pleased because they will find something else every time.
Kindness is so important. I too see errors people make in their life, behavior or writing, but unless the person asks you for help (or your opinion), I find it arrogant and rude to force it on them, especially when it might make people feel horrible about themselves. It’s even worse when done in front of others because that person gets completely humiliated. I certainly hate feeling that way, when someone does it to me, and it hurts me when I see others being targeted. Those who point out mistakes in such a way, might think they are doing the other person a favor, but usually it does the opposite. It makes people self-conscious and they will pull away from those who do stuff like that and might give up whatever they are doing all together because they are always afraid of being humiliated. It’s one thing if you are in a class of some sort and your teacher corrects you for a mistake, but definitely a completely different story, when those around us think they know better and should point it out to those who make mistakes. Most of the time those people have already noticed their mistakes themselves.
I guess today is just one of those days for me and I know these feelings won’t last forever, but the extreme sadness and hopelessness that comes over me when depression hits makes it so difficult to look forward. Feeling like this makes me want to go back into my shell and to shut everyone out. It makes me want to not even risk getting hurt by people, but I know that won’t be the answer because it’s not just people that cause a depression, but oftentimes it just starts by itself.
Hanging in there is all I can do and as time goes on I will feel better about myself again too I am hoping. Life is an up and down and I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and is there for me even during hard times.