It’s been a while since I have written on my blog, but due to our move lots of things have happened and kept me busy. It’s weird not to be in San Diego anymore. I enjoy the time with my family very much and I know our boys love my parents huge backyard, the time they get to spend with their grandparents and the little adventures they get to experience. It feels good to be home, but I have to admit I feel a little lost at the moment.
I don’t know how I can best describe the lost feeling, but it is kind of like as if I have left a piece of my heart behind and now my heart aches every so often because it is missing that part. I want to be happy, and most of the time I am, but I feel like I lost my place as in where I truly belong. I love my German family, roots and heritage, but I am very much American now and love that beautiful country with all my heart. I feel torn between my past before marriage and love for what is part of me because of my past, and the present time in which I learned to love a completely new country, culture and future. It wasn’t an easy transition for me, and took me a long time to get there, but it happened and now I miss my new home, country and wonderful friends even though I still love my old life, now that I am back and can re-live it a little bit.
These past three weeks have been exciting, confusing and a little depressing all at once. I knew the transition wouldn’t be easy, but I am still a bit surprised to see those feelings in action and as intense as it is. All day long today I could feel how my depression was trying to creep in. It usually happens gradually and not all at once and so sometimes I can do something about it and stop it before it gets out of control. I have the tendency to listen to certain songs when I know I am close to having my depression kick in, songs that touch me in one way or another. Sometimes it can be very sad songs, other times songs that inspire and uplift. Today I came across a song from Rachel Platten. I listened to it all day long over and over again. Fight Song doesn’t exactly make me happy, but listening to the wonderful inspiring text made me realize that I can’t let the negative feelings win and have to look forward.
My time in the US was everything from beautiful and wonderful to sad and frustrating. I felt lonely, hopeless and angry, but I also felt great happiness, so much love in my heart and gratefulness for being able to be in such a special country. My heart learned to feel true patriotism and seeing things in ways I have never seen them before. Yes it hurt to leave and it was hard to go, but nobody can take away the memories I made there, the friendships I made and the experiences I had to become the person I am now. I know everything happens for a reason and living 12 years in the United States was definitely part of Heavenly Father’s plan for me. (And I will be back.) 😉
Now I have to look forward and face whatever lies ahead of me. I am determined to embrace this new experience the same way I embraced the last twelve years and I will try to make the best of it. It is a special adventure for our whole family and many more great memories are to be made. We can only grow and learn more if we are willing to take risks and get out of our comfort zones. Heavenly Father can only bless us when we are willing to do our part and go forward with faith and trust in Him. He knows what’s best for us. We know we are here in Germany for a reason and felt it was the right thing to do at this time. I know God will continue to guide us and with time we will find out why we are here and what we are needed for.
I didn’t think my time in the US would come to an end so suddenly, but again I know it is something that happened for a reason. I am grateful for my family there and the many friendships I made. I love the people there and am thankful for all they did for me. Every memory and experience made me the person I am today.
Life is beautiful. Sometimes obstacles are put in our way, sometimes we have to go a different route – a route we didn’t think we would have to go on – and sometimes adventures are part of that path. I want to say thank you to everyone who has been part of my life and different paths. I know we met for a reason and I can’t wait for the time when our ways cross again. “Believe in yourselves, in your capacity to do something remarkable. The work of the world is done by ordinary people who have learned to work in an extraordinary way.” (one of my absolute favorite quotes)