I have been slipping into this depression slowly. It is strange, I can feel it happening, but I can’t stop it. Over the last few weeks, I have had my trial times, but it wasn’t that bad yet. The last two days were rough though. I know it is bad when I feel like crying all day long and I know that if I would start crying, I would not be able to stop that quickly. Plus, I am not really a crier and so feeling like that is not easy for me.
Moving to Germany has been a blessing and a trial.I love the fact that I am so much closer to family and friends, and that I can just spontaneously decide to visit someone. My sister only lives 3 hours away from us now, and it is so wonderful because I get to see her, my brother-in-law and cute niece a lot now. I love that I get to go to family events and functions and can actually be part of family get-together again.
The hard part is that because of my mental illness, I feel lonely, unloved and unwelcome very quickly and I can’t stop these feelings because it is part of my illness. 😦 I have made a few wonderful and nice friends in this area (where we live) and love spending time with them, but the overall feeling from everyone else is: I don’t belong here and I am not wanted. I know that this is mostly in my head, but there is truth to it and that makes me miss my beautiful Chula Vista/ San Diego and wonderful friends from that area even more. I miss being able to hang out with my friends and meet up with them for lunch and dinner and I certainly miss my gorgeous San Diego temple. I have had these feelings of homesickness on and off, but it has gotten a lot worse over the past 2 weeks.
I try to do what I can to get myself out of it, but it isn’t as easy as it sounds. You can’t just snap out of a depression, it just doesn’t work that way.
I am struggling immensely with this homesickness and depression right now, and wish I could just go back to being normal, but these feelings have to be worked through and that takes some time. I am just so grateful for the few wonderful women (in this area) who have been so kind and welcoming because, if it wasn’t for them, I would feel a lot worse. I am just sad because one of them is moving away in a few months. People warned me about this before we moved, that because this area is extreme with moving away or coming into the area, you don’t really get to feel part of it because of the constant change. I was hoping that because everyone is away from their relatives and friends, it would be a more tight-knitting group, but that’s not my experience so far. Maybe it is me, I don’t know, and I just don’t fit in here. I am just sad because I seemed to fit in okay where we lived before.
I am sure things will look up again in a while, but right now I feel pretty sad and disappointed which worsens my depression. I have had a lot more problems with my anxiety this week, and it is getting harder and harder for me to get motivated to do things or be around people. I try to push myself when I can though because, even though anxiety does hold me back and even isolates me at times, I don’t want it to take over completely. I have days and weeks when I just don’t have the strength or desire to push myself, but I do it when I can. Having so much family and relatives around, certainly helps me with that. 🙂 Hubby and I also just signed up for dance lessons at a local dance school and I am really excited about that. It is the little things that make me keep going and give me something to look forward to. My family (and also my friends) are definitely a huge part of me keeping going and fighting through these times of difficulties. I am so grateful for the many wonderful friends, I had and have in my life and that helps me to see some positivity, even if I feel lonely and not welcome. There is a lot of good in life, even if it doesn’t seem like it for a while.