What is wrong with me?

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Sometimes life just doesn’t seem fair. It makes you wonder what others have that you don’t, and why some people seem to get supported no matter what, yet you have to fight for help, support and encouragement all the time.

Today is one of those days I would like to skip. It is a day in which I get hurt more easily and depression kicks in quicker and I just feel like crying. Maybe I am being overly sensitive, who knows, but it is hard not to notice when this isn’t the first time it happened.

I don’t want to go into details right now, but I need to write it off my chest because that always helps me feel better. It helps me to move on and get my fighting spirit back. It helps me to get my positive thinking back.

Do you know that feeling when you accomplished something big, something that requires the support and help from others so the thing you accomplished becomes a real success?  Have people in your life assured you that they are so proud of you and that they will do what it takes to share your accomplishment, yet when the moment arrived they don’t do as they promised and you feel like you have to nag and beg just so you can get the word out? It is so frustrating when you feel good about your achievement, but you can’t make it work without the help of others. It definitely hurts when people promise you that they will be there for you, but they are not. It gets worse though.

What do you think about friendships, when you see a person you know, accomplishing something like you have and that person gets help and support from people you call your friends, yet they didn’t seem to have the time for you when you were in that situation? It makes me feel so unloved, and very hurt, and that’s exactly one of the biggest reason why it is so hard for me to believe that those who say they love me and that they are my friends, really mean it. That is one reason why I question friendship over and over again.

Call me dramatic if you must, I do have a bad day today, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have experienced this so many times in so many different situations. It makes it so hard for me to fully trust people. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me and why I don’t seem to deserve what others get so easily. Why is it that some people have no problem being there for some, yet you feel like you annoy them if you expect the same thing. Maybe I am not likeable or popular enough, maybe I just expect to much and maybe I seriously just don’t deserve true friendships.

It makes me sad though because of experiences like the above, it not only hurts the friendships with people that don’t seem care that much about me anyway, no, it also hurts those who are honest and truly mean it. I can’t help but doubt everyone when I feel like a nothing to certain people and makes me think that others can hide their true feelings better?

It is completely unfair, because those who mean well, deserve better. However, that’s usually how it is, a small group of people can ruin a lot of things for others just because they hurt you so much and abuse your trust.

Maybe I am just expecting too much or I am unreasonable. Maybe friendship means something completely different to me than it does to others. I will feel better soon, but sometimes I need to get these bad feelings out so I don’t feel like I am about to explode. I also don’t want to take it out on people that have nothing to do with it. I am sure by tomorrow things will look up again and I will feel better. Plus, I seem to be getting a cold or flu right now and that usually makes one a lot more sensitive.

I am grateful for the many wonderful people in my life and I know that even if nobody else loved me, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ do care about me and love me with all they got. I can’t force people to be true friends, but it makes me sad that there are so many out there who pretend.

That reminds me of a quote my mom shared with me when I was a teenager and felt discouraged, sad and lonely. “It is nice to be important, but it is more important to be nice!” So true.

Paul E. Koelliker said it well, something I needed to read right now: “I am confident that our Heavenly Father’s arms are constantly extended, ever ready to embrace each one of us and say to each one with that quiet, piercing voice, ‘I love you.'”

the only opinion

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