Category Archives: Uncategorized

Who am I really? The struggle is real people…

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Whenever I am having a hard time with my depression, or anxiety, I just know I need to write down my feelings and thoughts so I can feel better. Oftentimes I am laying in bed, late at night, and I put together a blog post in my mind because I just can’t get these down feelings go away. It is definitely a struggle, but writing about it helps me cope with it.

I have given this a lot of thought, but I feel like I need to address this and be even more open about my condition. I have been outspoken about depression and anxiety for a long time, but I don’t think I have gone into details, nor was I really aware of how much I am really effected by it (sometimes) and through me those around me as well. There are many different types of depression and I learned that the hard way. Growing up I had people with depression around me, and I assumed depression either meant crying all the time (for no reason) or being extremely down, negative and hopeless. Little did I know that there are more depression-types than these two.

I do feel down, negative and hopeless, and absolutely bad about myself, and even get emotional at times, but most of the time I am just plain unhappy and angry. It is frustrating to be like that because people around you think, you should be more in control of how you deal with certain situations, and you should be more in control of your feelings and reactions. That is easier said than done. Those people oftentimes make very ignorant comments to those who struggle with mental illness because all they say to you is to “snap out of it”. telling someone

It took me a long time to realize I had depression. I always wondered why I felt so unhappy and angry all the time, but didn’t think it had anything to do with a mental illness. I just couldn’t understand those feelings because I knew in my heart I should be happy. I had a wonderful family, a great home, two healthy boys and awesome friends around me, yet I was always frustrated, irritated and just not happy.

I finally saw a doctor, and once I started taking medication, (for the chemical imbalance of my brain) things started getting better. It’s been years since I realized I had depression, but I am so grateful I figured it out because life is so much better and more bearable for myself and those around me.

It isn’t gone though and probably never will be. I learned to live with it, and I learned to deal with the bad days, but I am still working on figuring things out, and I am still struggling to make those around me understand.

I am not sharing this because I am looking for advice or solutions, I am sharing this so others can see what I am dealing with, why I am the way I am and why I behave the way I do. But I also want those who struggle with it as well, know that they aren’t alone and that there is someone out there who understands what they are going through.

It isn’t easy to deal with these angry feelings. I hate feeling this way and I don’t enjoy to lose my temper, snap at those around me and say things I don’t really mean. I can only control all of this to a point and so I knew I had to find somewhat of a solution for it. Family and friends often wonder, why I don’t participate in a lot of social things, or why I oftentimes keep to myself. I do that for my own protection and for those around me. I have watched myself, and I now know how I will feel and react in certain situations. It starts out okay and bearable, but can quickly turn into the exact opposite.

I had several incidents when family members asked me to go on a hike, (for example) and I tried to make them understand that I didn’t want to do that, and just couldn’t do that right now because I know myself. I let them talk me into it, and most of the time it ended up with me feeling completely overwhelmed, stressed, and angry and those around me upset at me for having such a bad attitude, for ruining family time or whatever the reason is. It taught me that I have to be completely open with everyone, tell them what my problem is and what the outcome will be. I am someone who needs her privacy, and some serious alone time, so I can function. If I don’t get that, I get to a point in which I feel like I am going to start screaming or I will explode. It is a nasty feeling.

Having anxiety is also teaching me a lot about myself and how I have to handle situations and issues. So many well-meaning people think they are helping you by throwing out advice on what to do or how I should push myself, but it doesn’t work like that. Everyone is unique and what works for one person, is the worst for another. Last Friday hubby and I took my best friend to see the Neuschwanstein castle. I myself had never been and I wanted to push myself so my friend and I could enjoy this together. I already felt a bit anxious and stressed when we almost reached our destination. (When I am trapped with other people in a car, for several hours, I get to a point when I need a break badly.) When we reached the parking lot, and I saw the floods of people everywhere, I started to really freak out, but I thought I could make myself do it. We had a 40min. hike ahead of us, and the whole area was packed. We started our hike, but I didn’t make it far at all. With each step, the anxiety grew, I got angrier and angrier, and I was close to a major meltdown. I was in such a panic mode, that I felt like screaming to get this horrible feeling off my chest, and was super close to starting to cry. I also had trouble breathing and that wasn’t just from us hiking uphill.

I don’t think I ever felt this awful before. I had bad anxiety attacks before, but this built-up was not only a big-time panic attack, it was a built-up for a huge breakdown. It wouldn’t have taken much more and I would have lost it. I absolutely hated everything about that situation. I like to stay in control of my emotions as much as I can, but I was getting to a terrible breaking point and I don’t know how I would have been able to handle that. I knew I couldn’t do this without losing my mind. I told my husband and friend that I just couldn’t do this, but that they could go on. I didn’t want them to miss out on something just because I couldn’t finish this.

As soon as I was on my walk back to the car, I felt so much better. I felt happy that I had spoken up, I felt relieved that I didn’t push myself any further and didn’t end up with a nervous breakdown. I was also grateful that I didn’t ruin the day for the other two. I actually felt like, for the first time, I succeeded on dealing with these kind of situations and not ended up unhappy, angry, and everyone frustrated with me.

Why am I sharing this? Do I want everyone to feel sorry for me? No, absolutely not! I just want people to understand how hard it is for those who struggle with mental illness, and what they go through on the inside. You can’t see their struggles on the outside, but the inner battle oftentimes is huge.

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Yes my mental illness is a trial, and not something I enjoy, but at the same time I know I have this for a reason. It helps me appreciate the good times. It helps me focus on the positive and uplifting things (at least on good days), and ignore the bad more and more. It helps me to keep my faith in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ strong because I know if anyone knows how bad I am feeling, and how hard this is, it will be them. But most importantly it helps me understand others who struggle with mental illness, and encourages me to continue to work on being more compassionate and helpful to them, as well as speaking out about it. Life is still beautiful even if some days are a real struggle. None of our trials are wasted because we grow from them and learn. Heavenly Father loves me and that knowledge helps me through the days when I feel so sad, lonely, unloved, untalented and ugly that I just want to hide in a hole. He is by our side, as long as we want Him there and ask Him to help us through these tough times. Once we made it through another tough day, wonderful blessings are there to await us.

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What is wrong with me?

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Sometimes life just doesn’t seem fair. It makes you wonder what others have that you don’t, and why some people seem to get supported no matter what, yet you have to fight for help, support and encouragement all the time.

Today is one of those days I would like to skip. It is a day in which I get hurt more easily and depression kicks in quicker and I just feel like crying. Maybe I am being overly sensitive, who knows, but it is hard not to notice when this isn’t the first time it happened.

I don’t want to go into details right now, but I need to write it off my chest because that always helps me feel better. It helps me to move on and get my fighting spirit back. It helps me to get my positive thinking back.

Do you know that feeling when you accomplished something big, something that requires the support and help from others so the thing you accomplished becomes a real success?  Have people in your life assured you that they are so proud of you and that they will do what it takes to share your accomplishment, yet when the moment arrived they don’t do as they promised and you feel like you have to nag and beg just so you can get the word out? It is so frustrating when you feel good about your achievement, but you can’t make it work without the help of others. It definitely hurts when people promise you that they will be there for you, but they are not. It gets worse though.

What do you think about friendships, when you see a person you know, accomplishing something like you have and that person gets help and support from people you call your friends, yet they didn’t seem to have the time for you when you were in that situation? It makes me feel so unloved, and very hurt, and that’s exactly one of the biggest reason why it is so hard for me to believe that those who say they love me and that they are my friends, really mean it. That is one reason why I question friendship over and over again.

Call me dramatic if you must, I do have a bad day today, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have experienced this so many times in so many different situations. It makes it so hard for me to fully trust people. It makes me wonder what is wrong with me and why I don’t seem to deserve what others get so easily. Why is it that some people have no problem being there for some, yet you feel like you annoy them if you expect the same thing. Maybe I am not likeable or popular enough, maybe I just expect to much and maybe I seriously just don’t deserve true friendships.

It makes me sad though because of experiences like the above, it not only hurts the friendships with people that don’t seem care that much about me anyway, no, it also hurts those who are honest and truly mean it. I can’t help but doubt everyone when I feel like a nothing to certain people and makes me think that others can hide their true feelings better?

It is completely unfair, because those who mean well, deserve better. However, that’s usually how it is, a small group of people can ruin a lot of things for others just because they hurt you so much and abuse your trust.

Maybe I am just expecting too much or I am unreasonable. Maybe friendship means something completely different to me than it does to others. I will feel better soon, but sometimes I need to get these bad feelings out so I don’t feel like I am about to explode. I also don’t want to take it out on people that have nothing to do with it. I am sure by tomorrow things will look up again and I will feel better. Plus, I seem to be getting a cold or flu right now and that usually makes one a lot more sensitive.

I am grateful for the many wonderful people in my life and I know that even if nobody else loved me, Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ do care about me and love me with all they got. I can’t force people to be true friends, but it makes me sad that there are so many out there who pretend.

That reminds me of a quote my mom shared with me when I was a teenager and felt discouraged, sad and lonely. “It is nice to be important, but it is more important to be nice!” So true.

Paul E. Koelliker said it well, something I needed to read right now: “I am confident that our Heavenly Father’s arms are constantly extended, ever ready to embrace each one of us and say to each one with that quiet, piercing voice, ‘I love you.'”

the only opinion

Etwas was mir auf dem Herzen liegt…

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Ich habe lange darueber nachgedacht ob ich dieses Thema ansprechen soll und immer wieder von mir geschoben, aber ich bin jetzt an einem Punkt, wo ich etwas sagen muss. Ich werde es auch nur einmal ansprechen und dann ignorieren sollte das Thema noch einmal angesprochen werden. Ich habe nach gewissen Gespraechen immer wieder versucht sofort zur Tagsordnung zu uebergehen, aber da ich mit Depressionen und Panikattacken zu tun habe, beschaeftigt mich das immer laenger als noetig und ich kann damit einfach nicht umgehen da es mich entweder in eine Panikattacke, oder Depression stuerzt. Natuerlich betrifft dieses Thema nicht jeden, aber ich wurde leider zu oft in den letzten Monaten darauf angesprochen und somit werde ich das jetzt generell ansprechen (als Vorbeugung sozusagen 😉 )  um in der Zukunft hoffentlich damit keine Probleme mehr zu bekommen.

Ich rede von dem leidigen Thema der amerikanischen Politik, unserer letzten Wahl und unserem Praesidenten Donald Trump. Ich finde es toll, dass die Europaer so sehr an der Politik von anderen Laendern interessiert sind, aber wenn schon Bemerkungen darueber gemacht werden, dann solltet Ihr auch bereit sein wirklich zuzuhoeren was man zu sagen, denn wir haben in den USA gelebt und wissen was hinter den Kulissen (die Dinge die man als Buerger erlebt und die Medien nicht unbedingt herumtoenen) abgeht und was bestimmte Entscheidungen von Politikern verursachen. Die Medien verbreiten nur die Sachen die sich gut vermarkten lassen und das widergeben was sie wollen und hat oftmals fast gar nichts mit der Wahrheit zu tun (das wird hier in Deutschland mit den Medien und der Politik sicher auch nicht anders sein).

Ich habe Donald Trump nicht gewaehlt und bin nach wie vor skeptisch was ihn angeht, aber ich bin es auch leid staendig angegriffen zu werden so als ob ich persoenlich daran Schuld bin, dass er jetzt unser Praesident ist. Ich habe einen anderen Blickwinkel wie viele da ich in Deutschland aufgewachsen bin und somit weiss warum die Deutschen so denken und reden wie sie es machen, aber ich habe jetzt auch 12 Jahre in den USA gelebt und weiss somit auch was dort abgeht und warum viele Amerikaner (zu denen ich nun auch gehoere) so denken wie sie es tun. Ich kann die Gruende verstehen warum Donald Trump gewaehlt wurde, aber das bedeutet nicht dass ich mit allem uebereinstimme, oder aber das damit die Probleme in den USA beseitigt sind. Die Amerikaner (die Trump gewaehlt haben) hatten es einfach satt sich von unehrlichen Karrierepolitikern an der Nase herumfuehren zu lassen und somit hatte Trump, als Nicht-politiker, eben gute Chancen. Was viele ausserhalb der USA nicht mitbekommen haben ist, dass die Medien bestimmen wollten wer in den USA gewaehlt werden soll und den Amerikanern ihre Meinung aufzwingen wollten und waren dann ueberrascht und schwer beleidigt als das in die Hose ging. Es ging vieles bei unserer Wahl ab das unehrlich und sogar kriminell war und das hatte nichts mit Trump zu tun. Das wurde selbverstaendlich nicht von den “grossen” Medien berichtet denn dann haetten sie ja zugeben muessen, dass sie etwas gemacht haben was nicht in Ordnung war.

Ich nehme Donald Trump und seine Verruecktheiten nicht in Schutz, aber ich habe auch schon einiges gutes von ihm mitbekommen das eben fast gar nicht in den Nachrichten und Berichten ueber ihn erwaehnt wird und man nur hinten herum mitbekommen hat. Er ist und bleibt ein Grossmaul, da besteht gar kein Zweifel, aber die Hasskampagnen die die Medien und Politiker und eben auch “Beruehmtheiten” seit letztem Jahr gegen ihn gestartet haben, sind echt nicht mehr schoen. Man muss einen Praesidenten nicht moegen und mit ihm uebereinstimmen, aber wenn Schauspieler und Saenger oeffentlich zugeben, dass sie darueber nachgedacht haben das Weisse Haus in die Luft zu sprengen oder dazu aufrufen den Praesidenten umzubringen, dann ist das echt nur noch widerlich und satanisch. Ich habe gewiss nicht die beste Meinung ueber Obama und anderen Politikern der Demokraten (und auch Republikanern), aber Trump mit Tod und Gewalt zu drohen, nur weil man eine andere politische Einstellung hat oder eben nicht das durchgesetzt bekommen hat was man moechte, ist einfach nur total daneben und das haette ich auch bescheuert gefunden wenn es eben einen anderen Praesidenten/ Politiker betroffen haette.

Ich habe kein Problem damit vernuenftig ueber Meinungsverschiedenheiten zu sprechen und auch meine politische Einstellung zu eroertern, aber wann immer das Thema aufkam, habe ich mich attackiert gefuehlt und immer das Gefuehl gehabt ich muss mich persoenlich und meine Amerikanischen Mitbuerger verteidigen. Ich hab darauf einfach keine Lust mehr. Ich habe mich mit Absicht in den letzten Monaten sehr von politischen Gespraechen, politischen Facebookposts und generell der Politik zurueckgezogen da ich vor unserer Wahl (und leider auch hinterher) gesehen habe wie erfolgreich die Medien waren Hass, Streit und Aggressivitaet zu verbreiten. Ich bin nach wie vor geschockt und traurig wie Leute sich so aufstacheln lassen haben, dass sie sie sich (wegen politischer Meinungsverschiedenheit wohlgemerkt) von Freunden und eben auch Familienmitgliedern abgewandt haben. Das hatte nichts mit den Politikern zu tun, denn die haben nur ihren bloeden Wahlkampf ausgetragen, aber den Medien so viel Einfluss im eigenen Leben zu geben, ist einfach nur dumm!

Warum habe ich das bisher nicht in Diskussionen angesprochen? Erstens: Ich habe nie wirklich das Gefuehl gehabt das jemand an meiner ehrlichen Meinung interessiert war, denn wenn ich angesprochen wurde, glich das eher einem Angriff: “Was denkst du denn jetzt von deinem Praesidenten?” oder “Findest du es toll was DEIN Praesident wieder gemacht hat?” Wer mag darauf schon ehrlich antworten? Der Tonfall sagte mir, dass die Person die mich ansprach nur argumentieren wollte oder aber versuchen wollte mir ihren Willen aufzuzwingen und da stehe ich gar nicht drauf. Wenn Ihr moechtet, dass ich Euch und Eure Meinungen respektiere und akzeptiere, muesst Ihr auch bereit sein das ebenfalls zu tun. Wenn ich meine Meinung mit Euch teile, erwarte ich nicht, dass Ihr es genauso seht wie ich, oder aber Eure Meinung aendert, aber wenn Ihr nur darauf aus seid mir Eure Meinung aufzuzwingen und nicht bereit seid wenigstens zuzuhoeren, dann koennt Ihr auch nicht erwarten das ich Eure Meinung akzeptiere und respektiere oder Euch zuhoere. Wir muessen nicht einer Meinung sein um vernuenftige Diskussionen zu haben, aber ich habe keine Lust mehr aufs argumentieren und mich verteidigen muessen. Wenn Ihr mich und meine Meinungen nicht akzeptieren koennt und nur mit mir vernuenftig redet, wenn wir die gleiche Meinung haben, dann koennen wir gewisse Dinge einfach nicht mehr besprechen und ich werde in Zukunft auch nicht mehr darauf eingehen wenn ich das Gefuehl habe, dass es nur wieder eine Attacke ist. Ihr duerft Eure Meinung haben, aber das darf ich auch!

Zweitens: Ich bin nicht sehr gut was verbales argumentieren betrifft und somit aggressiven Angriffen nicht gewappnet. Ich hasse aggressive Auseinandersetzungen und finde es total daneben wenn man, aus heiterem Himmel noch dazu ueber etwas so unpersoenliches, persoenlich angegeriffen wird. Ich kann mich besser ausdruecken (und auch wehren), wenn ich es aufschreiben kann (deswegen auch dieser blog post), denn dann kann man nicht unterbrochen werden und auch wirklich das sagen was man moechte.

Wie gesagt, ich kann die Deutschen aber auch die Amerikaner verstehen und warum sie so denken wie sie denken. Ich weiss auch, dass nicht jeder von Euch Diskussionen mit mir ueber politische Sachen gefuehrt hat, aber ich hatte genuegend Situationen in denen das der Fall war und ich hab einfach keinen Bock mehr das leidige Thema zu besprechen moechte aber das Ihr wisst warum ich so allergisch auf gewisse Dinge reagiere. Es ist auch total okay fuer mich, dass Ihr vielleicht anders ueber gewisse Sachen denkt, aber es waere trotzdem schoen wenn Ihr mich und meine Meinungen akzeptieren koenntet und mir nicht das Gefuehl gebt, dass ich keine Ahnung habe wovon ich rede. Glaubt mir ich habe mich sehr intensiv mit unserer Wahl und unseren Politikern sowie den Luegen der Medien befasst und hab mir meine Meinung nicht aus einer Laune heraus gebildet. Es gibt immer zwei Seiten zu jeder Situation und ich glaube wir koennten viel erfolgreicher sein etwas zu veraendern und auch besser miteinander auszukommen wenn wir bereit waeren das Gute in anderen zu sehen, andere so zu akzeptieren wie sie sind (das bedeutet nicht, dass wir so denken muessen wie sie) und vorallem vorsichtiger werden was die Glaubwuerdigkeit der Medien angeht. Ich habe bis vor einigen Jahren wenig angezweifelt, aber das hat sich sehr geaendert nachdem ich gesehen habe was fuer Luegen verbreitet wurden und es eben hinterher bewiesen wurde, dass es Luegen waren.

Ich wollte und musste meine Gedanken und Gefuehle einfach mal zum Ausdruck bringen um mit der ganzen Negativitaet besser klarzukommen und auch damit Ihr wisst warum ich in Zukunft in gewissen Diskussionen einfach das Thema wechsele oder einfach nicht darauf eingehe. Meinungsunterschiede sind in Ordnung, aber Beziehungen zu pflegen sind wesentlich wichtiger als politische Unterschiede zu argumentieren. Wenn man zu unterschiedlich denkt, kann man auch Unterhaltungen fuehren ohne diese Streitthemen zu eroertern. Ein Grund warum ich nicht zurueck nach Deutschland ziehen wollte, ist der, dass ich immer das Gefuehl habe mich und meine amerikanischen Einstellungen und Meinungen verteidigen zu muessen. Es muss nicht jeder so denken und fuehlen wie wir Deutschen und es ist okay andere zu akzeptieren auch wenn wir vielleicht nicht verstehen koennen warum sie so und so sind und denken. Der Himmlische Vater hatte seinen Gruende warum wir so unterschiedlich sind und in unterschiedlichen Laendern/ Kontinenten leben. Ihr als Personen seid mir wichtig und deswegen moechte in Zukunft auch Streitgespraeche und ungute Gefuehle so gut es geht vermeiden.

It takes over gradually…

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I have been slipping into this depression slowly. It is strange, I can feel it happening, but I can’t stop it. Over the last few weeks, I have had my trial times, but it wasn’t that bad yet. The last two days were rough though. I know it is bad when I feel like crying all day long and I know that if I would start crying, I would not be able to stop that quickly. Plus, I am not really a crier and so feeling like that is not easy for me.

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Moving to Germany has been a blessing and a trial.I love the fact that I am so much closer to family and friends, and that I can just spontaneously decide to visit someone. My sister only lives 3 hours away from us now, and it is so wonderful because I get to see her, my brother-in-law and cute niece a lot now. I love that I get to go to family events and functions and can actually be part of family get-together again.

The hard part is that because of my mental illness, I feel lonely, unloved and unwelcome very quickly and I can’t stop these feelings because it is part of my illness. 😦 I have made a few wonderful and nice friends in this area (where we live) and love spending time with them, but the overall feeling from everyone else is: I don’t belong here and I am not wanted. I know that this is mostly in my head, but there is truth to it and that makes me miss my beautiful Chula Vista/ San Diego and wonderful friends from that area even more. I miss being able to hang out with my friends and meet up with them for lunch and dinner and I certainly miss my gorgeous San Diego temple. I have had these feelings of homesickness on and off, but it has gotten a lot worse over the past 2 weeks.

I try to do what I can to get myself out of it, but it isn’t as easy as it sounds. You can’t just snap out of a depression, it just doesn’t work that way.

I am struggling immensely with this homesickness and depression right now, and wish I could just go back to being normal, but these feelings have to be worked through and that takes some time. I am just so grateful for the few wonderful women (in this area) who have been so kind and welcoming because, if it wasn’t for them, I would feel a lot worse. I am just sad because one of them is moving away in a few months. People warned me about this before we moved, that because this area is extreme with moving away or coming into the area, you don’t really get to feel part of it because of the constant change. I was hoping that because everyone is away from their relatives and friends, it would be a more tight-knitting group, but that’s not my experience so far. Maybe it is me, I don’t know, and I just don’t fit in here. I am just sad because I seemed to fit in okay where we lived before.

I am sure things will look up again in a while, but right now I feel pretty sad and disappointed which worsens my depression. I have had a lot more problems with my anxiety this week, and it is getting harder and harder for me to get motivated to do things or be around people. I try to push myself when I can though because, even though anxiety does hold me back and even isolates me at times, I don’t want it to take over completely. I have days and weeks when I just don’t have the strength or desire to push myself, but I do it when I can. Having so much family and relatives around, certainly helps me with that. 🙂 Hubby and I also just signed up for dance lessons at a local dance school and I am really excited about that. It is the little things that make me keep going and give me something to look forward to. My family (and also my friends) are definitely a huge part of me keeping going and fighting through these times of difficulties. I am so grateful for the many wonderful friends, I had and have in my life and that helps me to see some positivity, even if I feel lonely and not welcome. There is a lot of good in life, even if it doesn’t seem like it for a while.

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Depression and how to not get sucked into too much negativity…

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Depression has been part of my life for quite a while now. One thing I noticed over the years was the fact that when I am not careful, incoming negativity can affect me and my depression a lot more (and very intense) than it has in the past. I seem to be going through phases in which I can focus mostly on positive stuff for a while, and try to share that with those around me, but as soon as I am paying too much attention to the not so good things, it seems to consume me very quickly and drags me down big time. I think that’s Satan trying to use the illness I have to make my life even more miserable and hard to bear. It is frustrating, but now that I am aware of it, I can and have to make drastic changes to stay away from it.

I think I also have become a lot more sensitive to things going on around me and am trying harder to find the positive in others because I have seen the opposite happening to me and I don’t like it. I strongly believe that unless we know a person personal, or at least have seen a person (in the public eye for example) and watched their behavior for a while, we can’t really judge what they are really like. Politicians and celebrities should have the chance to show what they are like and then we can make up our mind, but they should have a fair shot. If they don’t use that chance wisely, well that’s their own fault, but we should give them a chance at least.

I have to say, that the past US election has made me aware of many unkind things going on in the world, even with friends and relatives, and it makes me sad. I know that nobody is and will be perfect in this life, but I think we should all work very hard on becoming more Christlike. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ love everyone, no matter who they are and what they are doing, and we can do that too. Loving someone, or at least caring for someone, doesn’t mean we have to approve of what they are doing, or have to agree with them, but we can be kind. I have been preaching about real tolerance for the longest time and yet people only seem to be wanting to be tolerant when they want someone to be tolerant with them, but they don’t want to be tolerant in return.

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It is easy to be influenced by anger, negativity and even hateful behavior when we let the media and even people around us dictate us how we should think and feel about a person. I have been a victim of that myself and I am not proud of that because I am so much happier when I try to see the good in people and when I give people the chance to show me who they really are. Some turn out to be the way we were told that they would be, but many surprise us in a good way.

If we truly want to change this world for the better, we need to focus on the good things and need to remember how the Savior treated people. I have decided to make that my goal for 2017. I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions, because it is so easy to just give up on them, but goals are things that keep us moving forward. I feel like that Satan has his hands in everything now and whenever we fight with each other, belittle, mistreat or hate one another, he is winning and is successful in dividing us as family, friends and brother’s and sisters. I was getting very involved in politics for a while, but it caused so much aggression and tension in my own life, not to mention me witnessing how people talked to each other and became enemies about silly things, that I am not willing to deal with that any longer. There are so many things out there nowadays that try to divide us and if we listen to the media, celebrities and other voices that try to tear us apart, we are following Satan and not our Heavenly Father. Satan is luring us in with little things because he knows when we do those, the big things will follow. Are we truly willing to sacrifice the best things we have and the most amazing people we have in our lives just so we can feel better about something for one second? We will find out at one point that the cost was too high to sacrifice people and things Heavenly Father has given to us for a reason. He loves all of us and He will always love us no matter what we decide, or whether or not we follow Him or Satan, but we will have to face consequences some day and we have to decide now on what team we want to be.

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Fighting with each other over politics, really?

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When I became a citizen almost 2 years ago, I was excited for my first presidential election and for the chance of making a difference. I was so frustrated with our current government and knew something needed to happen. Things haven’t gotten any better since then, in fact it’s gotten worse. Our government, including our president, don’t seem to care much about us as citizens and I am sick and tired of all their false promises, dishonesty and their arrogance. All they care about is themselves!

Sadly, as I was watching this election come to an end, I also noticed that it caused a lot of drama between people. It is heartbreaking to watch how people interact on social media and how they have a go at each other simply because one person has a different opinion than the other one. I am so tired of political correctness and how some people are allowed to say what they want and others can’t, otherwise they are called names and the other side is offended by it. It is so frustrating to say the least.

I think Satan has his hands in this big time. It just disappoints me how some people behave and how they think their behavior is okay. Our government is way too big now because it makes them think they are in charge and have all the power over us. If people would just understand, that “We the people” are the one’s putting them there and that they should only have very little power, things would be so much better and different. Government shouldn’t be there to run our lives. The government is also not supposed to make all the decisions by themselves, and many of us don’t seem to notice how they take over more and more. It’s like the story of the frog that was put in warm water. If it had been hot from the beginning he would have jumped out right away, but because the water was turned up gradually, he didn’t realize what was happening until it was too late. That’s where we are right now. We are getting burned big time!

I was very involved in politics for a while and the result was that a lot of things really ticked me off (and still do) and I wasn’t able to discuss politics with certain people anymore. I am so over all of this and can’t wait until this has come to an end. It doesn’t matter who wins the election because the top candidates are not good for the job. Hillary is plain evil and Trump might have his good qualities (who knows), but his mouth certainly isn’t showing it. On top of that I think both of them just care about themselves and not us. Nothing is more important to Hillary than being the first female president and she will do what it takes to get there no matter how evil and wrong it is, and Trump is so busy trying to show how corrupt politicians are, he puts his foot in his mouth every single time. Sigh! He did two good things though, he made America aware how corrupt our government, candidates and leaders really are, and people are starting to look at our other parties too. Many people are surprised that there are more parties, but maybe it is a good thing that our two big parties have such horrible candidates because other people finally get noticed as well.

It is tiring though that I have to constantly defend myself, my country and our so-called candidates whenever I speak to someone here in Europe. I wish people would stop believing the lies of the media (they are just as bad as our politicians) and start researching things more, but that’s not going to happen any time soon. The way some friends and relatives attack and think about our US candidates is astonishing. The sad thing is, it is very much one-sided. If they would feel that way about both candidates, fine, but the hatred over here to one candidate is ridiculous. Oh well. I think I just have to start refusing to discuss politics and just leave the room if the other person won’t stop talking about it.

One thing is clear though, the outcome of this election will not be a good one because no matter who wins, the other side will be unhappy and very angry about it. For the first time in these past 2 years, I am grateful that I am not in the US when this election takes place and afterwards either. Things are not going to be pretty from now on.

Those of you who are reading this, please do yourself, and everyone else, a favor and don’t attack the people you disagree with. We can have different opinions, views and beliefs and still like each other. If you find posts on social media irritating, just unfollow that person for a while. I have unfollowed quite a few lately and that makes my newsfeed a lot more bearable. 😉 We don’t have to discuss certain things with those around us. Sometimes friendships are best, when some things are left unsaid. I have started staying away from this election garbage as much as possible and it feels so great. Obviously I can’t avoid it completely, but I am getting there. Sometimes I think all I want to do is crawl back to bed, pull my blanket over me and stay there until this darn election is over. But there is more to life and I would miss out on many beautiful things. Plus, friendships are important to me and we should work on those every single day. A stupid election shouldn’t ruin that. Let’s focus on the good things in life, share positive thoughts and experiences, and worry about the things that are really important. 🙂

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Love is the language of the heart…

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Love is definitely a wonderful and powerful word. To make love work we have to do something, and we need to listen to our hearts to know what someone else might need, or is trying to say. Love surely is an action word, but that doesn’t mean it is easy. Loving someone else can be the most beautiful thing, but it can also be a heartache, trial or even seem impossible.

Love often ends up in marriage and that is not as easy as it sounds or looks. It is something both partners have to work on every single day, and both have to be  100% committed that they want to make it work no matter what.

I love my husband and I am grateful we have been married for 12 years now. I see that as a blessing because in today’s world it is just not a normal thing anymore. Of course we have our ups and downs, and sometimes we dislike each other quite a bit, but our love is still there and as long as we both stick to our goals and commitment, we can make it.

It does break my heart when I hear about people breaking up or getting a divorce. Of course there are times when a marriage needs to be broken apart (like when one is abusing the other, physically or mentally), but in my experience it is for many just an easy way out because they don’t want to deal with the hard and difficult times. They want to run away from problems which, most of the time, can be worked out. I know that saying that is very risky because many don’t seem to think that way anymore and they definitely don’t agree with me on that, but I still believe that with all my heart. I know that Heavenly Father puts people together for a reason and we can only achieve what he wants us to achieve if we are willing to work through everything, even the hard times.

Satan certainly uses divorce to get to the family and destroy as much love and feelings as he can. It makes me sad because he seems to have a lot of success lately and it doesn’t even seem to bother most people that families are breaking apart and that unkindness, hatred and evil is spreading everywhere around us.

It is tough to hang on sometimes because we are different and come from different backgrounds, families and sometimes even countries and cultures, but when we agree to do what we can and when we make Heavenly Father part of our “partnership” anything and everything is possible. He loves us more than we can imagine and if we have Him by our side, we can love those around us as well.

I wish I could help those around us understand that they shouldn’t just give up because things are tough, but that they should keep fighting the good fight. I know I can’t because many don’t even listen. They are so set on knowing that there isn’t a solution, and that things can’t be worked out, that they just don’t hear what other people might have to say. Again, of course there are times when a divorce is helpful and important, but the world makes us believe now that the numbers should go up instead of down and that there are many cases that need to be broken up. I disagree with that and I think that we could change that kind of thinking if we were only willing to fully trust the Lord and work hard on sticking together. A good marriage doesn’t just happen. We have to work together and help one another to grow and become a better person. One meaning of love is: a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person. We can have constant affection for someone and not like what they do or say. We can give our heart to someone and still be ourselves.

Goethe once said: “If you treat a man as he is, he will remain as he is, but if you treat him as if he were what he ought to be, and could be, he will become what he ought to be, and should be.” Once we start treating each other in such way, things will change. Once we start seeing one another like that we can truly love each other and make this world and our families a better place.

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