A little sadness is creeping in…

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It’s been a while since I have written on my blog, but due to our move lots of things have happened and kept me busy. It’s weird not to be in San Diego anymore. I enjoy the time with my family very much and I know our boys love my parents huge backyard, the time they get to spend with their grandparents and the little adventures they get to experience. It feels good to be home, but I have to admit I feel a little lost at the moment.

not until

I don’t know how I can best describe the lost feeling, but it is kind of like as if I have left a piece of my heart behind and now my heart aches every so often because it is missing that part. I want to be happy, and most of the time I am, but I feel like I lost my place as in where I truly belong. I love my German family, roots and heritage, but I am very much American now and love that beautiful country with all my heart. I feel torn between my past before marriage and love for what is part of me because of my past, and the present time in which I learned to love a completely new country, culture and future. It wasn’t an easy transition for me, and took me a long time to get there, but it happened and now I miss my new home, country and wonderful friends even though I still love my old life, now that I am back and can re-live it a little bit.

These past three weeks have been exciting, confusing and a little depressing all at once. I knew the transition wouldn’t be easy, but I am still a bit surprised to see those feelings in action and as intense as it is. All day long today I could feel how my depression was trying to creep in. It usually happens gradually and not all at once and so sometimes I can do something about it and stop it before it gets out of control. I have the tendency to listen to certain songs when I know I am close to having my depression kick in, songs that touch me in one way or another. Sometimes it can be very sad songs, other times songs that inspire and uplift. Today I came across a song from Rachel Platten. I listened to it all day long over and over again. Fight Song doesn’t exactly make me happy, but listening to the wonderful inspiring text made me realize that I can’t let the negative feelings win and have to look forward.

you will never

My time in the US was everything from beautiful and wonderful to sad and frustrating. I felt lonely, hopeless and angry, but I also felt great happiness, so much love in my heart and gratefulness for being able to be in such a special country. My heart learned to feel true patriotism and seeing things in ways I have never seen them before. Yes it hurt to leave and it was hard to go, but nobody can take away the memories I made there, the friendships I made and the experiences I had to become the person I am now. I know everything happens for a reason and living 12 years in the United States was definitely part of Heavenly Father’s plan for me. (And I will be back.) πŸ˜‰

Now I have to look forward and face whatever lies ahead of me. I am determined to embrace this new experience the same way I embraced the last twelve years and I will try to make the best of it. It is a special adventure for our whole family and many more great memories are to be made. We can only grow and learn more if we are willing to take risks and get out of our comfort zones. Heavenly Father can only bless us when we are willing to do our part and go forward with faith and trust in Him. He knows what’s best for us. We know we are here in Germany for a reason and felt it was the right thing to do at this time. I know God will continue to guide us and with time we will find out why we are here and what we are needed for.

I didn’t think my time in the US would come to an end so suddenly, but again I know it is something that happened for a reason. I am grateful for my family there and the many friendships I made. I love the people there and am thankful for all they did for me. Every memory and experience made me the person I am today.

Life is beautiful. Sometimes obstacles are put in our way, sometimes we have to go a different route – a route we didn’t think we would have to go on – and sometimes adventures are part of that path. I want to say thank you to everyone who has been part of my life and different paths. I know we met for a reason and I can’t wait for the time when our ways cross again. “Believe in yourselves, in your capacity to do something remarkable. The work of the world is done by ordinary people who have learned to work in an extraordinary way.” (one of my absolute favorite quotes)

So many feelings, and lots of emotions…

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As I am sitting here, wondering what I should do on this beautiful Sunday afternoon, I thought maybe I should write on my blog again since I haven’t done that in quite a while. These past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster, and maybe it will help if I write some of my thoughts down.

I still can’t believe that we are actually leaving in a few weeks and that we are moving to Germany for a few years. Sometimes it seems so real and other times like a dream. Of course I am excited to be closer to family and old friends, but I am leaving so many wonderful people behind. My family and I have loved living in San Diego and so it isn’t easy to go. Thinking about having to say goodbye to many soon, makes me really sad. I have always hated goodbyes and this is a big one because we have lived in San Diego for almost 12 years and in this area alone for 7 1/2 years. The friendships we created here are special and we truly love those we leave behind.

Trying to put my thoughts into words, thinking about everything that is ahead of us and looking for picture quotes that express how I am feeling, truly doesn’t make this easier. In fact it was rather foolish to look for pictures because now I am crying mess.

I love the beautiful people I have met while living here. Every created friendship, every build relationship means something to me and I just wish I could just put them all in my suitcase and take them with me. Unfortunately I can’t. No matter how much we hate it, goodbyes are part of life. πŸ˜₯

and how lucky

Many new adventures await us, and I am excited that my family and I have the opportunity to experience many great things, but that doesn’t erase the sadness I feel about having to leave. We know it is the right thing to do, and where Heavenly Father wants us and needs us, but that only comforts us a little bit.

To all of you that are close to my heart: We love you and we will do our best to keep in touch.

the people who are

Please know that, even though I try hiding it as long as possible, it is hard for me to leave and I know my whole family feels the same way. Thank you for all you have done for us. Thank you for your kindness, love and friendships. You mean more to us than you will ever imagine. Luckily we have a few more weeks and will try to get together, with anyone interested, as much as possible. Be warned though! When we have reached the time of the final goodbye, I might not be a tough cookie anymore. I probably shouldn’t wear make-up that day. πŸ˜‰

Sometimes it is hard for me to find a good ending for my blog posts, but today I found something that ends it perfectly. Nicholas Sparks puts my feelings beautifully into words: β€œThe reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. Maybe they always have been and will be. Maybe we’ve lived a thousand lives before this one and in each of them we’ve found each other. And maybe each time, we’ve been forced apart for the same reasons. That means that this goodbye is both a goodbye for the past ten thousand years and a prelude to what will come.” Β 

 

With the Lord’s help, any fight can be won…

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I have to admit, reading the chapters this week made me realize how little I actually knew about David and what he went through after he fought Goliath. I am sure it was heartbreaking for him to have his father-in-law constantly trying to kill him and he didn’t even do anything wrong. It is crazy what jealousy can do to a person.

It makes me sad though that Saul let that happen to himself. I find it sad, that he let Satan get a hold of his heart and have Satan take over his life. It shows how careful we have to be and that feelings like jealousy, can quickly turn into something worse if we don’t watch out and try to keep it under control.

Love is what we should strive to have in our heart for those around us. We should take Jesus Christ as the perfect example because He truly loved everyone, even those who harmed Him.

Fighting Satan is a constant battle, but we can win it, if we keep the commandments and listen to the Holy Ghost. We can see our own struggles and can notice ourselves when we are drifting off and away from the gospel. Little things that pull us away from the truth are dangerous, and we should stop and turn around as soon as we notice it.

As I was reading the story of David ,and how he had to run away, live in hiding and leave his wife behind, I kept wondering what his wife thought about all that. Was she in love with David and did it hurt her immensely when her father tried to kill him? How did she feel when her father married her off to someone else? Did she have any say in what was happening to her or did she have to do what she was told? Thinking about this makes me so grateful that I live today and not in a time when women oftentimes were treated in a manner that was very degrading. Having to obey a man’s order, no matter what they tell you to do, doesn’t sound right to me. I love that my husband has the priesthood and I do think they should be the head of the house, but they should not treat their wife as unequal.

I am so grateful to know that I am a daughter of God and that He sees me as such and treat’s me as such. I am grateful that my husband honors the priesthood, presides and serves in the home, but doesn’t use it to show off his authority. Heavenly Father loves all of us and He loves us equal. Now it is up to us to see each other that way too.

Why did they not just obey?

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As I continue to read in the Old Testament I am simply amazed that the cycle of obedience, and disobedience, continues to happen. I guess to me it seems so simple to just do what the prophet (and the Lord) told them to do. I mean they had a prophet right there with them. First it was Moses, then it was Joshua. What a blessing it was for them to have such amazing leaders with them. I am just stunned that people can fall into their bad old ways after seeing plenty of miracles, after being rescued so many times, and after seeing God helping them get the land He promised them to have.

I love verse 15 in Joshua chapter 24. It says: “And if it seem evil unto you to serve the Lord, choose you this day whom ye will serve; whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell: but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” Reading that verse makes it clear how important it is to choose right and to follow the Lord. Following Satan or the world is not a good choice and will always end with some serious consequences for us.

I am still shocked though how much violence happened during that time and how much fighting and brutality took place. I know I have been writing about that a lot, but it stands out to me every single week. It makes me sad that things like that happened and yet the people still had problems listening to the Lord and obeying His commandments.

One thing is clear though, things have not changed much and are not getting better but worse. It makes me very grateful that I know what God’s plan is and what will happen in the future. It makes me sad and scared of the things ahead, but also looking forward to peace and a time of love when Jesus Christ has returned. If it makes me sad and down, I can’t even imagine how bad our Heavenly Father must feel and how it must hurt Him to see His children hate each other and torture and fight one another. His heart must get broken over and over again.

We can be so thankful that Jesus Christ died for us and that we can return to live with them again because of it. We would have no chance of returning if it wasn’t for Him.

So much rebellion, so much tragedy…

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Reading the Old Testament is not easy for me. Some of it is nice and helps me understand the prophets of old better, but a lot is really hard to read.

One thing that really bothers me, and stands out to me, is how the Israelites don’t seem to learn from their sins and mistakes. God is dealing harshly with them because He seems to know that with them being so close together, and traveling through the wilderness, it is easy for anyone to influence someone else and so He punishes them right away so others won’t get tempted to do the same, but they just don’t seem to get it. Does Satan seriously have so much hold on their hearts that they simply can’t hear the spirit anymore? And if that’s not the case, do they purposely ignore the Holy Ghost and just don’t care?

As I was reading the chapters in Numbers this week, I just couldn’t understand how they didn’t learn anything. People were killed in different ways because of their sins, and yet the rest of them kept complaining and arguing against God and His commandments. They only seemed to see the negative, like being stuck in the wilderness, and not that Heavenly Father delivered them from Egypt. It makes me so sad that they didn’t see the blessings. If they would have been faithful the whole time, God would have been merciful with them and they would have reached their new destination already, but because they disobeyed and murmured, God was angry with them and had to react.

I totally understand that being in the wilderness and suffering a lot, is not fun and very hard to deal with, but they had Heavenly Father on their side. He provided for them and showed them miracles despite their complains. Chapter 20, verses 3-5 made that clear. It says:

“And the people chode with Moses, and spake, saying, Would God that we had died when our brethren died before the Lord!”

“And why have ye brought up the congregation of the Lord into the wilderness, that we and our cattle should die there?”

“And wherefore have ye made us to come up out of Egypt, to bring us in unto this evil place? it is no place of seed, or of figs, or of vines, or of pomegranates; neither is there any water to drink.”

Moses provided water with his rod as a result and yet it didn’t seem to impress the Israelites for long. They seemed to stay unhappy for whatever reason.

One thing that I am learning from this though is that we need to pay attention how we react to difficulties in life, and whether or not we show gratefulness or the opposite. We need to focus on seeing our blessings and trust that Heavenly Father knows what He is doing, even though we are going through some really hard times. We need to keep things in perspective and need to remember that we will have to suffer the consequences when we murmur, complain, and disobey the Lord. As sad as it is to see them not learning from their mistakes at all, it helps me understand that I need to work on learning from their mistakes and not be so stubborn and unteachable. God loves us and He blesses us because He loves us, but that doesn’t mean we won’t have any trials. We can show Him best, how strong our faith is, by holding on to the iron rod, try to stay positive and let Him guide us.

How important is the Old Testament to us?

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As I am reading more and more in the Old Testament I am beginning to wonder how relevant and important it is to us today. Some of the things I am reading are a bit scary and frightening when you think about how God dealed with those who sinned. It is certainly very different to how it is today.

Reading about Moses and the Israelites, and what happened to them, makes my point above. Heavenly Father dealed with the children of Israel harshly, after Moses went to the mount to get the 10 commandments, they quickly forgot about the Lord and started to worship idols. I am saddened by their actions and wonder how anyone could forget that fast what Heavenly Father had done for them. After all, He had saved their lives. The punishment they received afterwards though, threw me off. I knew the story for a long time, but I didn’t remember that Israelites were killed because of their actions.

After Moses rebuked the children of Israel, the Lord told him to ask everyone whether or not they wanted to follow the Lord and those who didn’t were killed. I wasn’t exactly angry about it, but I did feel that was unfair and a bit too drastic for my taste. What if those unbelievers would have decided at one point in the future to repent and change? I talked to my husband about it and he agreed with me that things seemed harsh around that time. I asked him why the Lord didn’t just send them away and banned them from the group. He reminded me that the Israelites were out in the middle of nowhere with nothing around. There was no other place for them to go. He said something had to happen because Heavenly Father didn’t want those unbelievers dragging more and more people with them. He said maybe it is best to have them killed quickly with no further suffering rather them sending them off in the wilderness perishing slowly.

I have to admit I am still a bit taken back by it, but I also know that everything happens for a reason. I trust that Heavenly Father knows what He is doing and what my husband said to me certainly makes sense if you think about it logically. If there was a way to have them send away He would have I am sure, after all that’s what the Lord did to Satan and his followers. They were banned. I think this is just one of those things that I won’t understand until the next life, but I know I will understand it at one point.

I am very grateful that we have the scriptures and that we can learn about the prophets and people of old, even though we might not understand why things were that way at their time. I might struggle with some of the things I read, but I get so much out of it and learn so many great things that are definitely valuable in our days. Heavenly Father loves us and He wants what is best for us.

Writing it off my chest…

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Sometimes my mind goes crazy about many different things. Whether it is hurt, because someone treated me unkind and was rude (and abusive in some ways), or because I have to make life decisions and feel stuck and worried. It keeps my brain working in overtime. Usually when stuff really hits me, depression starts acting up again too and it is super easy to fall into a deep hole. That’s why I am so grateful that I can write it down somehow and get if off my chest because afterwards I usually feel better already. Writing is my most successful therapy tool. πŸ™‚

I have been dealing with depression for many years now and yet it still gets me how quickly I can go from being fine and happy to a sadness and hopelessness that drags me so down that I just want to crawl into my bed and cry for the rest of the day. I hate that feeling and wish I could just wish it away, but it is one of the trials I have to deal with.

and sometimes

I love life for the most part and I am very grateful for the many blessings Heavenly Father has given to me and my family, yet when depression hits (without warning whatsoever), it’s hard to stay positive and happy. The weird thing is, that sometimes it’s silly little things that hit it off and that makes it so much worse because you can’t prepare for it.

I’ve struggled with low-self-esteem for a very long time. Sometimes I feel really good about myself and can see my talents and positive things and other times when I am already so hard on myself and feel badly about myself, the feeling gets much worse when someone adds to it by making me feel horrible about little mistakes I did. Like when I write something on social media, and the message I am trying to bring across is very important and uplifting, yet someone decides to only look for grammatical errors and point them out in public too. I know my grammar isn’t 100% correct. I’ve always struggled with grammar stuff (and frankly I care more about the message rather than little mistakes here and there) and on top of that English is my second language. I try toΒ  not let it get to me, but things like that hurt, especially when I am trying so hard to get better and yet some people always seem to be looking for negatives and they will never be pleased because they will find something else every time.

Kindness is so important. I too see errors people make in their life, behavior or writing, but unless the person asks you for help (or your opinion), I find it arrogant and rude to force it on them, especially when it might make people feel horrible about themselves. It’s even worse when done in front of others because that person gets completely humiliated. I certainly hate feeling that way, when someone does it to me, and it hurts me when I see others being targeted. Those who point out mistakes in such a way, might think they are doing the other person a favor, but usually it does the opposite. It makes people self-conscious and they will pull away from those who do stuff like that and might give up whatever they are doing all together because they are always afraid of being humiliated. It’s one thing if you are in a class of some sort and your teacher corrects you for a mistake, but definitely a completely different story, when those around us think they know better and should point it out to those who make mistakes. Most of the time those people have already noticed their mistakes themselves.

I guess today is just one of those days for me and I know these feelings won’t last forever, but the extreme sadness and hopelessness that comes over me when depression hits makes it so difficult to look forward. Feeling like this makes me want to go back into my shell and to shut everyone out. It makes me want to not even risk getting hurt by people, but I know that won’t be the answer because it’s not just people that cause a depression, but oftentimes it just starts by itself.

Hanging in there is all I can do and as time goes on I will feel better about myself again too I am hoping. Life is an up and down and I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and is there for me even during hard times.

do not confuse