Sometimes you just gotta cry…

It’s been a while since I wrote on my blog. I know I have written so many times about dealing with depression, but you see, it never goes away. I have thought about writing about it these past months, but there are times when I just want to appear tough and like nothing can break me, and other times I just want to forget about it. And you know what, those are the times when we probably should share how we feel because we never know who might need to hear those words.

I’ve had a rough few weeks, but this has been going on for months now. Sometimes I just feel my personal battles are just too much and I can’t take it anymore. The problem with depression is, it not always slowly builds itself up and you can prepare for it. No, sometimes it just hits you out of the blue and you just don’t know how to deal with it and what the best way is to work through it. It’s not easy.

Years ago when I found out that I was suffering from depression too, I kept it pretty quiet. I always had people around me who suffered from it, but I thought this would never happen to me. When I finally accepted the fact that I too was affected by it, I thought not talking about it would be the best thing to do. After a while though I realized that, by not talking about it, I made it worse and I didn’t use an illness like that to turn into something positive, like encouraging and supporting others who also struggle with it. I realized that I had to be willing to be vulnerable because sometimes we gain the most strength when we are willing to step out of our comfort zone.

I’ve had people tell me to snap out of it. I’ve had people say that it is only in my head and that I have the power to change it. During a more recent discussion, I had someone say that even though we get down sometimes, we should always try our best to get positive and going again. Sigh… As if it is that easy. I wholeheartedly agree that positive thinking is a good thing. I try to do that because after I realized that I was suffering from depression, I also noticed how extremely negative I had become. I try my hardest now to be as positive as possible, but sometimes that is just not working. Depression is like a vacuum that sucks all the happiness and hope out of you. It is like being stuck in a tunnel and there is no light at the end of it. I just have days when I can only hold on to my faith and love for my Savior and our Heavenly Father and wait it out. Sometimes I need a good cry (even though I fight it like nobodies business), and sometimes I let myself have a bad day because I know if I make it through it, things will look up again soon. I know that even though my hope might be gone for the moment, it comes back because Heavenly Father will not desert me and Jesus Christ knows exactly what I am going through.

I don’t know why I have to go through this over and over again. I don’t know why so many people suffer from depression and have to go through really hard times. Maybe it is a way for Heavenly Father to remind us that we can’t do everything by ourselves and that we need to let go and trust him. Maybe it is for us to learn to stop pretending that we are tough at all times and accept the fact that we are just as vulnerable as anyone else. Maybe it is so we use our weakest most troubled moments to reach out to those who are going through it as well and let them know that we understand and that we are here for them and that we try to help them find their hope again.

I guess, sometimes it helps to write it down because now I feel a bit better. Who knows, maybe my words will help someone to not feel so lonely anymore and to feel understood by someone who knows what it is like. Sometimes we get hurt by people around us because their words of encouragement are actually hurtful and make matters worse, but you know what, unless those people actually experienced real depression, they don’t know what it is like, but they really do mean well. One more reason to share openly about this mental illness because sometimes “Keep your chin up” just doesn’t cut it.

I know one thing for certain and that is that Heavenly Father will never abandon us. The only one who wants to see us miserable, and will stab our wounds with a stick, is Satan. But I know that as long as I don’t give up and trust Heavenly Father, my horrible days will get better again and I will see the light at the end of the tunnel again. That doesn’t mean though, that things can get really serious and rough before it gets better. I love What Elder Jeffrey R. Holland says about that: “Though we may feel we are like a broken vessel, we must remember that vessel is in the hands of the divine potter.”