I had to learn the hard way that anxiety and especially anxiety attacks are not fun. For over a week now I’ve had several anxiety attacks and it doesn’t seem it will be over soon. It was so bad last week that I thought I would have to go to the ER and eventually saw my doctor because the pressure I felt on the inside was too much. I still feel like my heart is about to explode and it is a horrible feeling. Fortunately my doctor didn’t find anything wrong with me (blood pressure was fine, heartbeat was okay), but she is sending me to a cardiologist just in case. One of the things she told me though was that I was holding everything in, all the stress, bad feelings, emotions and that’s why it is so bad. She is right. I know that is the biggest problem. I felt like crying all week (and I am not really an emotional person), but I want to be strong for my family. I already scared my kids half to death, by letting them know about my anxiety and how badly I felt at times, that one of my sons broke down crying at one point saying: “I don’t want you to die.” I managed to calm them down again, but that made me hold it in even more because I don’t want to scare or upset my children.
It’s hard when you realize you’ve reached your limit and anything that is added to your plate will put you over the edge. Just like depression is hard to understand by those who have not experienced it themselves, so is anxiety or anything for that matter. Not only am I trying to deal with a lot of crazy stress right now, I also notice how some people around me don’t seem to see that I really am about to lose my mind and that I can not do anything else right now without drowning completely. It is hard to deal with family and friends, who, want understanding and compassion during their trials, but they fail to provide that for others. It is so hard when you try to make it through everyday life and yet more demands are directed at you and when you let people know that it’s too much, they become angry, offended and upset. It disappoints me a great deal because I really have nothing left to give right now and will not push myself over the edge because I actually do have to function for my family.
One thing I am very grateful for at this time is my blog. It is like therapy for me to write it all down. My brain is constantly working, and writing it all down and putting my feelings into words, really makes a big difference. It helps relax me a little and puts my mind at ease again. The way I see it, you can only talk to family and friends so much before a problem becomes annoying to them and they will either tell you that they are not interested in hearing it anymore or they will start to avoid you. Paper, or a computer, don’t care how often you write down the same thing and it is up to each individual whether or not they want to read what you wrote, but this way I can get it off my chest, work through it and move on.
Dealing with people can be exhausting and very hurtful. I’ve gotten hurt so many times over the years because I thought I had found true friends, yet at one point I had to realize that wasn’t the case. I’ve always been someone who is usually easy going and willing to work on relationships, but sadly not everyone is that way and sometimes it feels like people are looking for reasons to hurt you and get rid of you. When your trust is broken, you start to question other friends too and wonder if they mean what they say or do, or if they are just as fake as those who just “dumped” you. (And that isn’t fair on those who really mean, but naturally it happens because if one person can hurt you so can another.) So many times have I promised myself that I am just not going to bother anymore because I am sick of all this and will keep to myself from now on. My problem is though that I give in so easily because I need friends by my side and just as I am always looking for true friends, others are as well. No matter how hurt or disappointed I get, I know in my heart I will get over it at one point and try again. Life is all about falling down, getting up and giving it another try.
I am aware that people will do things I don’t like. I know that I do that too. One good thing about going through really difficult situations is that I am learning myself to be more compassionate and understanding. I understand much better now when a person tells me they can’t do certain things because they have so much going on, I know there is a good possibility that they are not just making up an excuse but really can’t handle it. I guess we do learn from our own bad and good experience after all. Every single trial we face is there for us to grow and learn. We might not like it while going through it, but looking back I pretty much always notice why it was necessary. Some people will never understand and that is okay too. Another thing that helps me see the good in tough times is the realization that not only do I know now how others feel in situations like that, I can also learn to forgive those who aren’t even trying to understand because they really don’t get it.
I am also learning to see my limits and putting my foot down even though it might cause struggle with others who don’t understand because I need to be true to myself. I’ve reached my limits and I don’t owe anyone an explanation or apology. We can only do our best and if some think you are not, well that’s their problem. I believe that Heavenly Father gives us difficulties, weaknesses and even illnesses so we learn to be ourselves and maybe even say “NO” every so once in a while.